Early morning workout + Killswitch Engage = Success. Aside: I forgot how much running always inspired me to stop being lazy and blog.
I’ve really struggled with whether or not I should keep this blog going. I love writing, but it’s not really my passion. And as I’ve learned lately, my words have weight. I’m not entirely comfortable. I know that life and death are in the power of the tongue, but it never became more apparent to me than last year. I breathed life into a new chapter of my life that kicks off in less than 50 days and I’m totally excited. And I’ve also spoken death (unknowingly) into a relationship that was very important to me. That last sentiment is given me a lot of pause.
It seems no matter how hard I try, and no matter what I do, I cannot help but always be prepared to have my heart broken.
After so many times of picking up the pieces of my heart after its been broken, I’ve just decided not to let it be put back together. After all, it’s hard to break something that’s already broken? I understand that conversely it’s easier to break something down into smaller pieces once it has been broken, but the emotional side of me chooses to ignore that. I’ve always had this gigantic wall around me and it’s been so easy to maintain. And when people get close to me they get excited because they think they’ve gotten over the wall, which is mostly correct. But what they don’t realize is that there’s just another roadblock ahead. My truest thoughts and feelings are locked away like Princess Toadstool and all of the Mario and Luigi’s of my life are just at different levels. Some of my friends are a lot closer than others, but all of them are a lot farther from the end level than they think.
I know that’s not healthy, and I know that’s not entirely normal. So I will work on that to some degree this year. Last year was truly a prep year for all the things I’m heading to accomplish this year. I’ve got a lot to get done in such a short period of time.
I will be 30 in 2 years, 11 months, and 19 days. Yes, the countdown has unofficially begun. You all know my trepidation at turning 30, but that fear is slowly starting to change into excitement. So I’m on a mission to get things done over that time. I’ve done a bit of living in these 27 years (more than I’d like to admit, honestly), but I’ve also squandered a lot of time. So while my 30 before 30 list isn’t quite complete, here are some of the things I’m determined to get done, mostly this year:
1. Travel. My granny Margie was a travelling machine, and I told her before she died that I was gonna pick up her mantle and keep it going. And so far I have, but this year I’m taking it to a new level. I’m getting a new passport soon. I’m getting out of the States at least twice before I’m 30. And I’m going to Puerto Rico for 3 weeks this year. I know that’s not technically out of the States, but I’ll take it.
2. Get more serious about business. I mean I have a business degree, I gotta have more to show for it than a piece of paper and a ton of student loan debt. So this year, I’m starting a real estate investment business, and I couldn’t be more excited.
3. Get less serious about people. And this is how the broken heart weaves back into the narrative. I’m not one to burn bridges. Ever. In fact, I’m the person that is constantly running back and forth trying to repair the bridge while the other person is content to destroy it. That is a lot of work and I have resolved within myself not to do it anymore. If a relationship is important I will engage, I will love, I will challenge, I will empower. But if the other person (or people) don’t do the same, then I will draw back. You may call it selfish or self-preservationist, but I just call it smart. I used to change certain things about myself and personality so that people wouldn’t walk out of my life, but now I see the foolishness in that.
So take note: If you want to flee from my life or take a sabbatical, then vaya con Dios! I would say no hurt feelings, but of course they are. The difference is I’ll mend them completely different way this time around.
So what else should I do before I turn 30? I’ve got maybe 6 things listed. But that’s another blog for another day…speaking of which
4. Take care of this blog. Like I said, I know that my words have weight, and people for whatever reason like to read what I write. So with that in mind, I’ll make a much more dedicated effort to post on a consistent basis. There’s so much that’s always wrapped up in my mind, so it’s not a lack of topics, just a lack of effort. But I shall fix that too! Starting now =)