Seek, and ye shall find

I love me some Sugizo. His music is always so funky and yet so calming. Which seems perfect today.

So, my dear troopers, I haven’t posted anything in about six weeks. Usually with big gaps between postings, you can be assured that something serious has been going on. I’ve been so consumed by the measure of #progress that I haven’t really taken time away to break and refocus myself. And so, six weeks later, I am frazzled. Between re-enrolling in school, trying to get my non-profit started, and any myriad of family problems, I haven’t been able to really find a balance, and so I am overwhelmed.

I’ve wanted a semblance of peace for so long, but I haven’t really sought it out. Worse yet, I really haven’t connected with the One who provides peace so liberally.

I’ve been in Denver for the past two weeks visiting family trying to recharge and get some peace but it still eludes me. Reading through the Book of Psalms has left me grasping for peace and watching it slip through my fingers. I can almost see my prayers bouncing off the ceilings.

Despite all this, I know peace is right around the corner. After all, God provides peace to His people (Psalm 29:11), right?  So even though peace has proven pretty elusive thus far, I will keep seeking. Eventually I will find it, and will be better for it.

 

The Force of Gravity

Hands down my favorite BT track (not the original, the Tiësto version of course), and yes it’s mostly because my former boo JC Chasez does the vocals. It’s a great track.

This past week has succinctly identified the pattern of 2010: ridiculous ups, even more ridiculous downs, emotional flatline in between. Yesterday alone even summed it up more succinctly.

Here’s how yesterday was supposed to go down: spend the morning baking various goodies for my most awesomest cousins, go to the movies with my awesome baby girl Jada and her family, then meet up with said cousins to exchange gifts. Here’s how yesterday went down: baked the goodies, had a minor but irritating tiff with my mom, went to the movies and saw Tangled, felt sick, got a message from my cousin that her sister was in the hospital, stayed up the entire night talking to my cousin and looking at cancer treatment facilities, go to sleep at 1:30, toss and turn the ENTIRE night.

It’s just all too much right now. So much craziness has been going on the entire week and I don’t know how much more I can take. And the crazy thing is, none of the craziness has happened to me directly! It’s happened to all of the people I hold very close to my heart. I’ve tried to be the strong one for all of them and now I’m wondering who will be the strong one for me? I’m so numb that I can’t even pray. I can truly feel a barrier between me and God and I don’t know how to get around it. And I desperately need to get around it because people are counting on me, and I’m counting on Him.  I did not want to spend my Christmas holiday flying to fight the force of gravity. But gravity, it seems, is working against me.  This is not what I wanted my holiday to be. But all I can do is quietly hope. It’s truly all I have left at this point.

It’s a good thing to quietly hope, quietly hope for help from God. – Lamentations 3:26 (MSG)

 

So Yeah…

I have neglected you poor troopers. Life has been happening (as it usually does to everyone) and it’s been particularly heavy. So in the next few days leading up to my birthday, I will have a LOT to say. And next year will bring some changes to the blog and some new ideas I’m working with. So stay tuned.

 

Great Expectations

If someone can answer this question for me, I’ll give them my first paycheck from Kohl’s. (My first paycheck will only be like $30 but still…) What do you do when you know your expectations won’t be fulfilled?

I had such high hopes for 2010. Each passing day things ebbed and flowed and just seemed to level off. By mid-year, I wasn’t quite ready to chalk up the year as a loss, but my hopes were greatly diminished. Then October came around and it looked like things were creepin on the come up and I was getting excited about the final quarter of the year. Then this month happens and I’m completely thrown. This month hit me so hard I can’t even be knocked sideways a la Citizen Cope. November has been my Pacquiao to my Margarito.

I mean, what is REALLY GOING ON? Everything that I knew to be true, and a lot of key people that I knew to be trusted have all proven false. What do you do when the people and things you admire appear not to be as polished as self-proclaimed? I mean people are human and you have to give them the space to grow because they’re not perfect, but at the same time you can’t turn a blind eye to such things. Or at least I can’t.

I’ve been praying, crying, pleading with God to give me some kinda heads up or direction, but so far He’s been silent. This seems like one of those things that I have to tread carefully and re-evaluate ALL of my relationships.  I’m pretty sure that this is a blessing in disguise. Maybe this IS the set up I’ve been looking for. But I’m extremely anxious about what the rest of the year has in store for me.

And I’m that much more anxious about 2011. Pray y’all.

 

Be Careful…

Don’t even care. This duet with Madonna & Ricky Martin is great. Even 11 years later. And yes I still rock it from time to time. Don’t judge me.

Now there has been a ridiculously long gap between postings and so many things are to blame. Life, apathy, lack of time, lack of understanding, these are all important factors. But after a particularly heartbreaking encounter today, I had to post and try and make sense of things. While I can’t go into the greatest of details, know that this deep hurt I feel is a direct result of the deep hurt I caused to someone very close to me. And I’m really struggling with how I let it all happened. I promised this person that I would protect them from foolishness, yet I was the one that hurt them because of some foolishness. If how I love this person is a reflection on how I love myself, then I am in deep trouble.

Trying to find some answers, I scour the Word for some guidance. The keyword I look for is “guard” because I obviously need to learn how to guard myself and how to guard others from myself. The answer, it seems, was quite elementary.

“Dear friend, guard Clear Thinking and Common Sense with your life; don’t for a minute lose sight of them. They’ll keep your soul alive and well, they’ll keep you fit and attractive. You’ll travel safely, you’ll neither tire nor trip. You’ll take afternoon naps without a worry, you’ll enjoy a good night’s sleep. No need to panic over alarms or surprises, or predictions that doomsday’s just around the corner, Because God will be right there with you; he’ll keep you safe and sound.” – Proverbs 3:21 (The Message)

So if I guard Clear Thinking and  Common Sense, all this stuff will happen? How come I never got the memo? Because all of these benefits are what I’m sorely lacking. I’m not as fit as I need to be and I certainly don’t feel attractive. I haven’t had a good night’s sleep in 3 months. Mind is full of panic and worry despite my declarations of Trust. I honestly had no clue it boiled down to these two things for me. It is obviously hard to make sound decisions without these things, and I can now trace all of the actions I took (or didn’t take) because I wasn’t guarding them.

Now that I know the problem, I must take the steps to correct them. Fixing a problem has always been the hard part for me.  Each solution presented has long reaching effects that terrify me. I’m so afraid of making the wrong decision, that I usually choose indecision (which in itself can be the wrong decision). But sooner or later, I gotta grow up and make a decision. This time, I’m going to make sure that I have Clear thinking and Common Sense properly guarded before I make these next few decisions. Everything hangs in the balance.

 

Strange and Beautiful

Wasn’t this Aqualung song played during an episode of the O.C.? Like when the show was good? Eh..

Today has been a day of recuperating. After pushing myself to the limit during yesterday’s workout (6 minutes of insanity to which I gave up and did 25 minutes of Zumba), I had to recover. The inside of my knees hurt and my back hurt from my tailbone to my ribs. Yours truly was not in her finest shape.

So I slept. And relaxed. And slept. Read 2 books. Slept some more. Relaxed some more.

It was the best feeling I’ve had in awhile.

No interaction with anyone except my mom, and I kept that to a minimum. For the greater part of the day I just laid on the floor in my room and let my worries wander away. Worries about not having any money; worries about leaving for Jacksonville in a week; worries about what’s in store for me over the next few months; worries on whether or not I’ll be able to afford that bass guitar. Big or small, important or trivial, all of my worries mercifully left me, a brief but welcome reprieve.

As an introvert, I had all day to retreat inside of my head and examine myself for a bit. I’ve determined that I’m very strange and beautiful.

Sometimes, the last thing you want comes in first,
Sometimes, the frist thing you want never comes,
And I know, the waiting is all you can do,
Sometimes…

I’m strange because I’m always battling so many internal contradictions. Someone once asked Tupac how he could rap about social issues one one album and drugs & partying on another. He basically said because he’s shaped by all these things and he’s not some one dimensional person. To a certain extent I feel the same way. I want to talk more about social reform and expansion (to the chagrin of almost everyone I know) and on the other hand I’m lamenting that M. Night Shamalan ruined Avatar (just from reading the reviews, a better director and a better screenwriter could have done a lot better for a lot less than $280 million, but I digress). I want to open my own clothing store but I hate selling and I’m uncomfortable leading.

Overall I can’t get out of my head long enough to do any good and this frightens me. Listening to friends talk about what an impact I’ve had on them bothers me. I always look behind me wondering who they’re talking about, because I’m sure it isn’t me. But somehow it is, and I don’t get it.

So I continue to lay back on the floor, listen to my mellow mix and reflect. I can’t quite put my finger on it, but I feel like something is gonna happen before the year is out. Maybe not something epic, but something that’s going to irrevocably change me. Maybe it’ll be during my six week “vacation” in Jacksonville, maybe it’ll be when I return. Just some more strange things that I can’t figure out. Hopefully these things will be beautiful too.

 

Barbarella

Scott Weiland sings a line in this song that sums up however I’m feeling whenever I’ve done something wrong:

Grab a scale and guess the weight of all the pain I’ve given with my name…

This is currently how I feel and it won’t stop. The emotions are rushing over me like a tidal wave. Tears as endless as the self-consuming guilt I feel. So broken, so lowly, so worthless I feel that even my physical state suffering. Heavy breathing marks both the closing airways in my lungs and the heavy burden closing me in from everyone that’s dear to me.

It is not supposed to be like this.

I am leaving in one week. The dwindling days are supposed to be marking the time spent with those closest to me. Instead, I feel more secluded than ever. The emotional distance is now much greater than the distance between Tennessee and Florida. The distance is growing and I can’t stop it. I have no one but myself to blame.  I am literally losing my breath thinking about the pain I’ve caused. It’s almost as if I’m compulsively trying to create a physical pain strong enough to balance out the emotional pain. As each breath grows quicker and more shallow I’m struggling to focus, to relax, to calm down. All I can think about is the painful weight my words carry, and how that weight is growing heavier with every word that escapes my lips.

I am literally having an asthma attack, and my inhaler is nowhere in sight. This pain is quite aptly serving as my prison. I can’t break free. I’m trapped.

 

I Do

So after working on my paper last night I decided to stay up late and watch Ninja Assassin. My cousin told me about it forever and ever because of Rain, but I heard it was wack so I was hesitant to see it. But OMG am I glad that I did! How could I pass up seeing this for 90 minutes:

Not only did he look fantastic doing all that ninja stuff, but his english has improved TREMENDOUSLY. He’s really working hard to make it here in the States. Now if he can start working on an album that would be fantastic because his voice is amazing. I think he might have kicked Dongwan off my list. Today is my Sabbath and i just might watch Ninja Assassin again. The plot was a little ridiculous, but it wasn’t trying to win an Oscar or anything so I’m not mad about it. And he could’ve hooked up with the black girl, but he didn’t out of respect. Yeah… just wait til I get to Korea!

 

When it Comes

I’ve been playing Make Yourself (the best Incubus album imo) nonstop the past two days, and that is never a good sign. It is a symptom of semi-depressive behavior that usually takes a solid week to overcome. Let’s hope this bout doesn’t last that long.

The past three weeks have been utter nonsense to me. I haven’t been able to make heads or tails out of what is going on with my life. From the end of the women’s conference until now I feel as if I’ve been in a tailspin. I am physically exhausted, mentally drained and spiritually hit-or-miss. I’m trying to pull everything into alignment and it’s not working out so well. I have never felt so aimless before. I have no idea what I’m supposed to be doing with my life. A part of me is regretting going back to school. I think the primary reason I went back to school was because I wasn’t doing anything else. I had just moved back home, I couldn’t land a job, so it just seemed like the thing to do. 3 months later, I still can’t land a job and everything seems to pile up around me and I am BEYOND overwhelmed.

I’m really trying to find meaning in all of this, but so far I’ve got nothing. Kirk Franklin said something that I found great on twitter when he said it way back when, but now not so much: “It will all work out in the end. If it hasn’t worked out yet, then it’s not the end.” I totally get that and subscribe to that theory, but can I at least get an intermission or something? It just seems to be way too much all at once. At least give me a hint of when the end will come.

I’m hopeful (even if I’m not expressing it outwardly) that this will all work out because it just has to.  In the meantime, I’m gonna get back to doing what I can, and let God do what I can’t. So now that means hitting the books for this Business Law class. The joy of the Lord is my strength, but I’m pretty sure this class will be the bane of my existence.

 

Continued Randomness…

More random musings…

1. I’m pretty sure I’ve had pancakes 7 days straight. While I love me some pancakes, I think I’m done for awhile.

2. I need to stop losing things. I have lost my iPod charger and I need it to go running. Well I don’t necessarily need it to go running, but I need it to keep track of my mileage.

3. I feel like I’m in the alternate universe on Fringe. Where I am the sun is out, people are grillin, and everything is nice. However, if you go out past a certain spot, all you’ll see is flooding and craziness.

4. I really want some mexican food. This is the worst Cinco De Mayo ever.

5. I never knew the depths of which I could be bored. I now know and I hate it.

6. Yesterday I had an inordinate amount of quiet time with God, and it was wonderful. Got to crack open a book I’ve been meaning to read for awhile and it’s been amazing.

7. My First Lady was right; there is something extraordinary about early morning prayer. I woke up at 4:15 am and believe me I didn’t wanna do it, but I got up and did it. So glad that I did! They say it takes 21 straight days to create a habit; I’m on day 3. This should be interesting

8. If allergies are an overreaction of the nervous system, I need my nervous system to take it easy. Go relax somewhere…seriously.

9. My figure has been slimming down lately and I am very pleased. I’m pretty sure the lack of running and overdose of pancakes can’t help.

10. I’m really hoping I can get out of the neighborhood tomorrow. I can’t take too much more of this.