12 Days: Lesson Learned

It’s been awhile troopers! I really should’ve written something since the Thanksgiving Debacle (which indeed got worse, but that’s a story I won’t share), but I was just too drained and uninspired.

But seeing as we’re rounding the corner to my birthday, now seemed an appropriate time to begin self-reflection. So I’ll be counting down the days until my birthday with semi great anecdotes about the journey I’ve made this year. So here are the 12 things I learned this year:

1. Progress isn’t always fun, but it’s always necessary. At the beginning of the year, I signed up for the #OneWord2011 challenge, and my word was progress. It was incredible to see how this simple concept was woven through my life this year. I’ve made a lot of progress and a lot of it was terrifying, but I’m certainly wiser and stronger from it.

2. It’s okay to have boundaries. I never knew how important boundaries were until I read a book, appropriately titled “Boundaries”. More importantly, I saw the improper boundaries I had and how it was harming me.

3. Dysfunction is never okay. See the last post.

4. I’m actually kinda beautiful. And by “kinda”, I mean, “really.” I can’t even begin to explain what a big deal it is for me to acknowledge that. I’ve always struggled with self esteem and confidence, but this year both seem to be on the rebound.

5. Christians can be quite silly. I just don’t understand us sometimes. We can get all up in arms about things that really don’t matter (see: Morton, PJ), but we don’t tend to have that same righteous indignation over things that actually matter. And I realize I’m painting with a broad brushstroke which I usually hate, but it seems apropos in this case because we are all guilty of it.

6. Good music is still being made, you just have to know where to find it. see B. Reith, Heath McNease & Playdough, Allen Stone, Gungor, etc. I’ve heard so much great music that would never be played on the radio, and I’m quite okay with that. I’m done railing against the radio companies and bemoaning the death of music. The music that’s popular now is because a ton of people like it. If they wanna like what I think is wack music, more power to them. I’ll stick to what I like and keep discovering more.

7. Black really doesn’t crack, and for that I praise God. I’ve had more people ask me if I was in high school this year than when I was actually in high school. It makes my heart happy. If I still get questions like that once I hit 35 I shall dougie every time.

8. Speaking of dougies, there really is nothing new under the sun. Although that declaration from Solomon makes me wonder if someone did the Cat Daddy in his day. I don’t doubt it at all. In 2012 I’m gonna “create” some dances and see if they catch on. When something good happens to you next year and you break out the Double Dutch, you’re welcome lol

9. It’s good to have ambitious goals. Ambitious goals force you to stretch in unimaginable ways. This year, I made a goal to read 100 books this year. I’m as voracious a read as they come but 100 books seemed quite impossible. But I really tried this year. As of today I’m at 80, and I’m pretty sure I’m not gonna crank out 20 books in 12 days. Maybe 3? But had I not set that goal, I don’t think I even would’ve read 20 books this year. I will continue to set ambitious goals and push myself.

10. Your inner circle says so much about you. I can’t tell you how much I’ve had that thought beaten into me this year, but it is absolutely true. I look at the inner circle I had just 5 years ago, and it becomes clear as day why I was such an idiot. Now I’m in a much stronger place and my inner circle is to thank.

11. On a related note, there’s nothing wrong with having an inner circle. I really like keeping people at a distance. This is good because it keeps people from harming you. The bad thing is, it keeps people from helping you too. I’ve really learned to let my guard down and let some people in. And I’ve maintained a way to keep some people out.

12. If you don’t start none, there won’t be none. I’ve learned that this weekend after listening to the Hip Hop Prez give the commencement speech this weekend at TSU. I’ve had so many great ideas that I let go to waste through fear and insecurity, and because of that I have nothing to show for my life. So now I am more determined to take leaps of faith. The worst is that I fail, and learn something right? Best case scenario is that I can actually succeed. Those sound like good terms to me now.

Great lessons I’ve learned this year, and I’m ready to learn more next year. What have you learned this year?

 

Valley of Decision

Did anybody rock Christafari back in the day? Is it bad that I still do? I don’t even care. Valley of Decision is one of my favorite tracks. Ever.

The day has barely started, but I know it’s going to be a doozy. Today has already been deemed a day of exploration due to the events of yesterday. Let’s backtrack shall we?

Yesterday I had a mini-crisis of the most epic proportions. I started worrying about school because I am on Academic Probation with only one class left. Let me say that this is all my fault. I could be rocking a 4.0 if I would’ve dedicated myself to it, but there were two classes where I just stopped caring and now I’m paying the price. I need a 3.0 to get off Academic Probation. If I get an A in my next class, I’ll end up with a 2.99. I don’t know if University of Phoenix will round up or will carry out my GPA and extra digit to see if it should round up. But almost everything hangs in the balance. If it doesn’t round up, then I will be placed on Academic Disqualification, which means I’ll be forced to withdraw from school, and no more financial aid. And the stipends that I received, I’ll have to pay back. Did I mention that I don’t have a job and therefore no way to pay back $4,000? Yeah.

Although this was my fault, I questioned God for why He was allowing this to happen. Wasn’t I going through enough? Wasn’t I in enough debt? Why this? Why now? Then He started showing me motives for going back to school in the first place. I never really consulted God on whether or not I should go back to school. I asked my mom about it, and she said, in the way that only she can, “You should. I mean, you’re not doing anything else.” So the decision was made on an impulse to gain some measure of acceptance that may or may not matter. Then something else began to happen. Whenever I told people I was getting my Master’s degree, their faces would light up and they would lavish me with such praise and approval. I truly began to feed off of this. I had no idea what an idol this would become in my life.

After all, do I need a Master’s for what God is calling me to do? Not really. I just got tired of not doing anything, and got tired of waiting on God so I thought I would take things into my own hands.  And the idol of pursuing success and affirmation grew even larger.

So I started listening to the Empty Promise series by Pastor Pete Wilson and it just crushed me. I literally told him afterward that he needed to stay out of my business because it just hit way too close to home. I have been struggling for so long. I’ve been without a job since May of 2009. I keep figuring that if I get a job and get a handle on some of this debt then I’ll be a lot better. Which I will to an extent. But I’ve turned this good thing into an ultimate thing and it’s costing me so much more. My little sister got a successful job right out of college and she is on her way to doing great things both in her field and for God. And while I am happy for her, more often than not I struggle with being jealous of her. I covet what she and other people have and this jealousy has led me to a valley. Not just any valley mind you, but the Valley of Achor.

Which brings us back to this morning. I’ve been reading from the book of Joshua the past couple of days and when I came across the Valley of Achor, it literally gave me pause. Just a little backstory: Joshua and the Israelites have marched around Jericho and brought the towering wall down. With the exception of Rahab and all in her house, everything was to be destroyed. The silver, gold, brass, and iron were to be consecrated to the Lord (6:19), but everything else was accursed. So later Joshua sends men into Ai to check it out and the men say (basically) “No problem Josh. Let’s just send 2 or 3 thousand men to take care of this because there aren’t that many of them.” (7:3) So 3,000 men go up to Ai and they get chased away before they even arrive at the gate. 36 of them were even killed. Joshua cries out to God because He doesn’t understand what’s going on and why the victory wasn’t secured. God tells Joshua of Israel’s sin and decrees that because there is something accursed in the camp, the Israelites can’t defeat their enemies (7:11-13).

Eventually it is determined that Achan has the accursed thing (sidebar: it just had to be someone from the Tribe of Judah? right? psh..) and brought sin on the entire people. Achan saw things that he knew were wrong, but he coveted them and he took them.  Because of this Achan, his family, and all of his possessions are utterly destroyed at, you guessed it, the Valley of Achor.

The Valley of Achor is literally the Valley of Trouble.

God has been painfully (but rightfully) showing me how the decisions I’ve made have led me to the Valley of Achor. Someone once told me that every decision leads to a destination. That has never been made more clear than now.  Because I’ve taken all of these good things (school, the pursuit of success, affirmation) and placed them into a position only God can hold, I’ve run into a heap of trouble.  The Valley of Achor is associated with shame and defeat and I feel like I’m being crushed under the weight of these things.

But the Valley of Achor can be more than a place of shame and trouble.

And I will give her her vineyards from thence, and the valley of Achor for a door of hope:… – Hosea 2:15

What was originally created as a place of trouble and defeat, God wants to use as a door of hope. Because when we truly surrender to Christ, no defeat is permanent. When we give up those accursed things and turn to Him, we can have a new hope. But it all boils down to choice, to a decision. For so long my actions have dictated my choice to be trouble. But I thank God for His mercy and His patience. I truly see things differently and now I am actively choosing hope. There’s a lot more joy in hope than trouble.

Be of good courage, and he shall strengthen your heart, all ye that hope in the LORD. – Psalm 32:24

But I will hope continually, and will yet praise thee more and more. – Psalm 71:14

The LORD taketh pleasure in them that fear him, in those that hope in his mercy. Psalm 147:11

Does this decision lift all of the crazy things going on out of my life? Of course not. But this decision will teach me how to stand tall over them. That’s all I could hope for, right?

 

Great Adventure

So I drove to the beach today. On accident. Or at least what I thought was on accident. While us mere mortals have accidents all the time, Jesus has none. That must be pretty dope.

But let’s backtrack a bit.

I’ve been reading Plan B again, but this time as a morning devotional. (It’s 14 chapters and small group questions make for the perfect 2 week devotional.) Yesterday morning’s chapter dealt with fear and God revealed a lot of things that I was just not ready to confront. Going through all of the questions, I identified my most paralyzing fears and the limits they are imposing on my life. One thing that Pete Wilson said really stuck out to me: We don’t really have a fear problem; we have a faith problem. Faith requires so much trust, and trust is something I don’t give out very easily. On the contrary, I give trust very conditionally. Everyone starts out with the smallest measure of faith and as they meet my ever-growing requirements, they get more faith. I see that I have been doing that to God and the notion that I would have the audacity to set conditions upon the Creator of my life is quite overwhelming. I mean who am I?!  So after coming to terms with both my fears and my arrogance, I felt completely at peace. It’s almost as if I’ve finally turned the corner.

Now back to today.

After prayer and devotions, I had the urge for Starbucks. So I packed up my computer and went to the nearest Starbucks. 30 minutes, 1 venti caramel machiatto, and 1 slice of very berry coffee cake later, I was completely content. Watching the traffic, feeling the cool breeze of the early morning, I was at total peace. Then I decided to go back home and see how the day would shape up. Then the adventure happened. For those who don’t know, I have an amazing talent: getting lost. No matter how I plan or use google maps, I always make exactly one wrong turn. Usually I figure my way out, but sometimes I don’t right away. Today was one of those days. Instead of taking a left, I took a right thinking it would loop back around. Well the road never looped back. The road ends and the next thing I know, I’m on I-95 South heading toward Jacksonville Beach. Since I’ve been dying to go to the beach, I shrugged and decided to ride it out, although I wasn’t completely confident in where I was going.

After about 20 or 25 minutes, I finally arrived at the beach. I took off my chucks and my socks and padded my way toward the beach. I’m sure I looked very out of place with my knee-length skirt and black t-shirt walking down the shore with the sun beaming down. But I didn’t mind at all. I took pictures of the birds and of the waves crashing in when I started to walk closer to the ocean. Feeling the cool water wash over me was a great feeling, but I was still a little wary so I kept my distance. While others waded into the water or even swam out to catch a wave, I stayed as far away as possible.  Then I started thinking about yesterday’s devotional. Here was a small but tangible way to but my faith in action. “God is this a pop quiz?” I asked aloud. I was nervous, but I carefully took a few more steps towards the ocean and then stopped.

Once I was semi-comfortable where I was I watched the waves come in and washing over my ankles before subsiding back. Then I felt pushed to travel further out. I know God was nudging me out of my comfort zone but I didn’t like it one bit. But I obeyed and walked out a few feet more. The water came a little bit higher, but I didn’t go anywhere. Then the sand started shifting under my feet. I started to lose my balance, and I literally reached out for help. After I regained my balance, the lesson was reinforced.

There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love. – 1 John 4:18

Fear of the unknown is easily the most paralyzing fear out there. But no matter how much we don’t know, we can rest assured that God knows everything. So if we love and trust Him, then there’s no reason to fear. No matter how much the sand shifted or how much I lost my balance, I didn’t fall and I didn’t incur any harm. God just wants to see if we’re submitted to fear or faith. The only way He’s gonna know is if we decide to take that first step, or to stay on the fringe. For so long I’ve been staying on the sidelines. For me, it was better to succeed on the sidelines then to fail on the field. But now I’m ready to step out on the field and prove my worth. No matter how hard I try, I will fail. Often. But failure isn’t the end; it’s just another step towards the success. The only time failure is the end is when you give up. My steps aren’t firm, but they are determined. This great adventure has taken some crazy twists and turns, but I wouldn’t exchange it for anything.

 

Hostile Gospel

This Talib Kweli song is a beast! The whole Eardrum album is just great. And he spits one of my favorite lines of all time: “If I don’t look like my Father, then the way I live is bastardly.” Word.

For the past “season” or so, God has been working with me on how I view things. And by things, I mean just things, material stuff. For most of my (very brief) adult life, I have always been found wanting. When I was working it was completely my fault because I didn’t know how to manage my money. I became ruled by things. But now that I’m not working, I’m feeling even more frustrated by things, or rather the lack of them. It’s not that I desire anything outlandish, but I’m just tired of not having basic things. Like a car, or a cell phone that doesn’t have to be cut off all the time. I wish I had nicer clothes (or the fabric and patterns to make nicer clothes) and I wish I could be in a better position to help other people. I mean, how can I live up to my name (helper, defender) if I can’t help myself.

Slowly (and painfully) but surely, God is peeling away  my misconceptions and showing me part of the plan. If I’ve never been without, how can I empathize and eventually help those who are constantly without? God is calling me to be more socially proactive, and I’m hindering that call by always wondering about me. While studying the book of James, God’s Word really grabbed my attention and laid plain what He would have me do:

Pure religion and undefiled before God and the Father is this, To visit the fatherless and widows in their affliction, and to keep himself unspotted from the world. -  James 1: 27 KJV

The Message translation says that we should “Reach out to the homeless and loveless in their plight, and guard against corruption from the godless world.” I’ve been doing pretty well at that last part, but the first part…not so much. I can remember spending hours at the Salvation Army helping to answer phones, make food boxes, and spend time with homeless families. There was no greater feeling than being able to relate to them and making the children smile or extending some measure of hope to those who felt hopeless. And this is what we should be doing everyday! But I’ve fallen far short. I’ve been looking at God’s Word as the Hostile Gospel lately because it’s been offending me left and right. I’ve been so angry for being stuck in this Plan B situation, missing the point all along this has been God’s Plan A situation for me. I’ve ignored His promises while mourning my dreams. I’ve been ignoring His words because I thought He wasn’t listening to me.

Oh, but how wonderful it is when you can see clearly. James 1:27 always makes me think of “Kingdom of Heaven” when Liam Neeson gives his dying to speech to Orlando Bloom. He says, “Be without fear in the face of your enemies. Be brave and upright that God may love thee. Speak the truth always, even if it leads to your death. Safeguard the helpless and do no wrong. That is your oath.” Safeguard the helpless. This is where I have been lacking entirely. I have made no effort to safeguard the helpless because I’ve been to busy trying to safeguard myself, usually to no avail. What I’m starting to realize is that when I allow God to use me to safeguard someone else, He will use someone to safeguard me. That’s what community is all about, right? I mean we’re quick to help when there’s a flood or a tornado, or some other devestating crisis. But why can’t we help in our day to day lives? We’re too consumed with chasing the American dream, keeping up with and surpassing the Jones’. But when we get all of these “things”, then what?

Am I saying that we shouldn’t have some level of comfort? No of course not. Everyone should have some nice things to call their own. But we need to have a level of margin in our time and in our finances that we are able to give away without any constraints or worry. I want to be at a level with my personal life and my business that I can have an income cap for myself, and give away everything over that.  I have to be more socially responsible because God demands it of me. I can’t safeguard the helpless if I’m stockpiling things for me. I want to give to the less fortunate, I want to adopt an orphan and raise them in God-fearing, socially responsible home. I want to do more beyond myself. I NEED to do more beyond myself. I’m so thankful now that I can truly take joy in my trials, knowing the outcome will be completely pleasing to God.

 

Alright

I am still in starting to get out of that icky mood, but for a change of pace I decided to listen to Emily King. I love love LOVE her. Her voice and her style is just great. I need her to come out with another album already. She’s starting to get me back in my right frame of mind.

When God flips the script on you, it is usually NEVER welcome but ALWAYS necessary. As you can tell if you’ve been reading the past few posts, I’ve been down a lot more than usual lately. I’ve been so distressed lately at the situations in my life that I’ve just withdrawn from everything because no one was really listening to me anyway.

Just an aside: people who are really good listeners want to be listened to occasionally. The problem with good listeners is that they’re always listening and can either never find their time to talk, or just aren’t good talkers because they’ve never had the time to talk. I’m not sayin, I’m just sayin…

Rev. Run said on twitter once that when life knocks you to your knees, that’s an indication you need to pray. As usual, he was right on the money so I decided to really pray. And by pray I mean I sat down and just told Him everything that I was feeling. Everything I wanted to say to a confidant I said to Him, since I really have no confidant. At first it felt like He wasn’t listening so I continued doing my own thing. While doing my own thing I literally stopped myself and said out loud, “Alexis, what are you doing?!” Sometimes you need those moments to shake the cobwebs loose.

Afterwards, I did some searching. Whenever I’m really needing an answer or some clarity, I head to the Book of James. I don’t know what it is about this Book, but it always gives me a new perspective on my relationship with God. This instance was no different. After re-reading the Book and taking some uber-diligent notes (haven’t taken notes like this since undergrad. my grad professors would be upset.) I really saw what the problem was (and always has been): ME.

This whole time, I’ve felt like God has been neglecting His promises to me, when come to find out I’M the one that’s been neglecting the promises. He’s re-confirmed some of the promises just this morning. Not that he needed to, not that he had to, but in a way to show me, “Here’s what I’ve been doing; what have you been doing?” Thinking back, I can clearly see how He has been setting things in order and I’ve been too oblivious to really see it. I see the promises literally collecting dust and it’s my own fault.

So now it’s time to get things back in order and do things the right way. I’m gonna collect everything, wipe the dust away, and get back to work.

 

Butterflies

So my little brother is a Michael Jackson fanatic. So I quizzed him to see if he knew what my favorite MJ song was. He failed tremendously (but to be fair, I don’t know his fave song either). Butterflies is that jam. Speaking of which, does anyone know what happened to Ace Young? He had my heart when he sang it on American Idol.

This week, my church has been hosting its annual Women’s Conference, The Esther Assignment. I was excited beyond reason because this was my first time at this conference and because I know that I need something very great. My expectations have been exceeded on every level and the conference isn’t even over! But let’s backtrack a bit.

So I have a crush on a guy. I haven’t had a crush in a long time and to be honest I quite forgot what it felt like. And this crush totally caught me by surprise. We’ll call this crush Cortland Finnegan lol. When I first saw Cortland, I never paid him ANY attention. He quite literally blended into the background. And a few weeks ago, all of a sudden he appeared very different to me. Physically, spiritually, there were these tangible changes that made me take notice at once. And once I did, I knew I was in trouble. I told God quite often that I didn’t need this distraction because I had enough to deal with. So I spent a great deal of time trying to knock the mental distraction out and praying continually that I could not only guard my heart from these feelings, but guard his heart from any foolishness that I am more than capable of. A few close friends know about the crush and they tease me about it, which is normal. Yesterday I shrugged the whole thing off. “It’s fun having a crush,” I said to my little brother with the mental caveat to myself, “especially when you know nothing is gonna happen.” With all my struggles being single and all the junk that I have goin on, I’m nowhere near ready for a relationship. To be in one would poison Cortland or Tebow or B.Reith or any other guy God selected for me to date (that’s my wishlist alright, get off me!)

While working with the media department last night, God ministered to me in such a great way. He drew the parallels between how I was feeling about Cortland to how He was feeling about me and it blew my mind. God has a crush on me, on you, He has a major crush on His people period. He thinks about us all the time, and He wants to shower us with attention and with gifts and He wants to kick it with us. Even though I don’t see anything happening with Cortland, God wants something to happen with us. He wants to have a real and a deep relationship with us. I feel like that since I’ve been back in church, I’ve never fully noticed God. I knew He was there and I knew a lot about Him, but I treated Him like, “Yeah, You’re cool and all Jesus, but You’re just aight.” But this week He has literally grabbed my attention. And after realizing the depth of His feelings for me, I realize that I’m starting to approach Him in a whole new way. During the evening service, I was literally distracted by Him mentally like I was with Cortland. “God, You’re really feelin me like that? And You really wanna kick it with me and let this thing grow?” I was giddy and literally had butterflies. It’s amazing to see God for who He really is and to realize that He loves me so much. My biggest prayer leaving this conference is that all women get a crush on jesus and wanna kick it with Him and crave Him. As women, we’re good at craving things. That dude, that new purse, that pint of Ben & Jerry’s. But let’s crave God and chase after Him, and watch how that Divine relationship blooms.

So I asked God if He was using Cortland to illustrate His point. As soon as I thought that, I could just see Jesus smiling like, “Yeah…maybe…” lol And I’m perfectly okay with that. I could feel those silly feelings for Cortland being taken down quite a few notches after last night’s service and it’s just as well. Now when I see him, I’m sure I’ll still get those butterflies, but I’ll realize Who those butterflies are really for.

 

Semi-Charmed Life

Dear Stephan Jenkins, I can’t believe this song came out in 1997. It makes me feel incredibly old. Speaking of which, I also can’t believe you’re 45. You still look great sir.

While running the other day (nike running folks get at me! @ stellabonita) this song came on and it made me smile despite the terrible pain in my knee. Right before the breakdown in the album version came the bridge and I was singing along until I heard the lyric “I believe in the faith that grows..” Although the song carried right on into the breakdown (which is the best part of the song btw) mentally I stopped and chewed on it for a bit. Several questions came to mind, few of which have ever been answered: Is my faith growing? Does faith even grow, or are we given a determined amount? Does my faith affect me or do I affect my faith? That last question gave me the most pause.

I struggle with my faith on a daily basis, which I’m sure most people do. However I struggle with my faith over unimportant things and for the life of me I can’t understand why. There are things I know that I should be doing and I fully understand what those things are and why I need to be doing them. But nine times out of ten, I don’t. It’s this crazy mix of fear, apathy and insecurity that forms potholes in my walk with Christ that seem to grow bigger by the minute. At this point it is clear that I am affecting my faith instead of the other way around. I KNOW that I have this thing all backwards, but I’ve yet to figure out how to fill these potholes.

My life is semi-charmed because I have this great facade up that fools most people. I know how to be a chameleon and be what people want me to be (or assume I am) at any given moment. I can flip the switch between sociable, intellectual, vulnerable, secure, fill in the blank with no problems whatsoever. But peel  those layers back and there is a person whose wheels are always turning, always thinking, always worrying, always trying to solve the great crisis of the moment, knowing that other crises are around the corner. The biggest crisis that needs to be solved is how to stop affecting my faith so it can affect me. To this point, I’ve been determined to let this problem sit in the background while I put out lesser, unimportant fires.

In 1 Timothy 6:12, Paul tells Timothy to “Fight the good fight of faith…” The word fight is akin to a military conflict. You really do have to fight for your faith, but you have to have a strategy, a contingency plan, a general plan of action to keep and increase your faith. This is probably my biggest struggle. I don’t like to fight period. I’m indeed a lover, not a fighter. I avoid confrontation like a fat kid avoids P.E. class.  I never saw the point in fighting. If someone wanted something bad enough that they had to fight for it, I’d just let them have it, because there’s nothing that important worth fighting for.

But there’s a big difference between fighting for a boy and fighting for your faith. Your faith is  literally worth life and death. So I’d say that’s pretty important.  With this revelation in mind, I think I’ve finally solved the major crisis of my life. But finding the answer to a problem and actually using that answer to solve the problem are two different things. Here’s to hoping I take the steps to solving the problem…

 

Vultures

I hope everyone’s over this John Mayer brouhaha. Although, he should’ve taken his own advice and protect his situation. I’m just sayin…

Just to preface for a bit: Shout out to the President for making that student loan reform happen! Knowing that my repayments will be capped to 10% of my income is wonderful. Because once I get out of school I’ll have a car and a half to pay for (or with these foreclosures a small house anyway), but it’s all bueno.

As I prepare for our women’s conference coming up (Esther Assignment 2010. get familiar!), we’ve been asked to fast however we see fit. I have decided to fast from facebook, twitter and tv. Facebook wasn’t so hard to give up since I was rarely on it. TV was going to be a little bit of a struggle because I love my sports and Barney Stinson. But being without twitter for not even a whole day has killed me. I rely on twitter to keep me connected to people to news, to everything. I have the tweets of 30-ish people sent to my phone even! Today, my phone has went off a few times and everytime I keep expecting it to say twitter, but it doesn’t and I’m utterly crushed.

Sitting here now, I feel quite ashamed of that. My need for twitter is pretty addictive. Can someone crave twitter? I think I do, because I’m going through withdrawals and I don’t like it.

The mind of him who has understanding seeks knowledge and inquires after and craves it, but the mouth of the [self-confident] fool feeds on folly. Proverbs 15:14 [Amplified]

I have a mind that loves knowledge and is continually seeking after it. But lately, I haven’t been seeking Christ. I’ve been perfectly going through the notions, but I lost that place where I truly craved Him and His wisdom. Instead, I’ve been feeding on a lot of junk, most of which isn’t bad, it’s just not profitable. When talking to some friends about the armor of God, Jesus sucker-punched me real quick. In the quickest amount of time possible God showed me that we’re to have our loins girded with truth because our loins are our reproductive center. He then asked me what kind of fruit was I bearing. Make no mistake about it, we will all be bearing fruit in some form or fashion, but the type of fruit is determined by what covers your loins. The fruit of the Spirit will be born out of His truth.

I’m still recovering from that thought. I thought I was  in a better spot, but I see now that I’ve been feeding on that foolishness. So as I go through this fast, I’m gonna use all of this time to run away from this foolishness and start protecting my situation. Luckily, I know where I’m running to and Who’s waiting for me with open arms.

 

Use Somebody

I love Kings of Leon and their roots (Tennessee, what up!). They may have walked away from their Pentecostal faith (for now…), but it’s still there. And it ain’t going away. This song just proves it.

So between monday and tuesday I have been through every emotion possible. Monday I was so emotional that it caused my eye to nearly swell shut and almost had an asthma attack and I didn’t eat. Yesterday I woke up just very unsure of everything and wondering what my place is in the grand scheme of things. As I went to brush my teeth I put in my iPod and I felt compelled to play this song. It was weird because I rarely get urges to listen to a specific song so strongly. When I do, I know God’s trying to get my attention, and He sure got it then:

I’ve been roaming around, I was looking down at all I see
Painted faces fill the places I can’t reach
You know that I could use somebody
You know that I could use somebody
Someone like you and all you know and how you speak
Countless lovers under cover of the street
You know that I could use somebody
You know that I could use somebody
Someone like you…

As the words hit me, I was at the bathroom sink, brushing my teeth and having church. The last week of our Life’s Healing Choices small group we talked about the Sharing Choice and how God wants us to share our experiences to help someone else and to give them hope. While listening to the song for the 3rd or 4th time (yes, I had this song on repeat for half an hour before I left the house) I was thinking about how we’re called to spread the Gospel and that there’s someone that I can reach that no one else probably can. And I’m not doing it because I’m so wrapped up in my own little world and all the junk that’s going on around me. But now I see that God wants me to endure the junk so I can tell the story and let someone know about the goodness of Christ.

Four of five years ago, I emailed a friend and we were talking about experiences and how we were reluctant to talk to certain people because they looked like they had it all together. “Come holla at me when you have some real life experience,” is what we wanted to say to these people. I thought about what it would be like if Jesus was roaming the streets now trying to witness. I don’t think I’d give Jesus a second glance because He didn’t have that “real life experience” the way I was experiencing things. Are there people that Jesus couldn’t reach personally that I could reach talking about Him? That’s a very interesting thought. And I’m sure it is a correct thought.

There are some people I’m meant to reach for Christ. There are some people I’ll never get through to. But God is looking to, well Use Somebody. Someone like me. Someone like you. So after enduring two extremely difficult days, I’m finally ready to answer God’s call.

You know that I could use somebody
Someone like you…

 

Sunrise to Sunset

This song just came on my iPod, and it just gave me a total sense of peace. I heart Paul Wright very much. Yes I do!

There’s something very liberating to me today. Yesterday was my Sabbath day; I did absolutely NOTHING and it was wonderful. I caught up on sleep, and just relaxed. Usually the only time I recharge my batteries is when I’m sick, so it was a nice change of pace this time.

This morning, I woke up completely refreshed and just ready for the new day. “Thank You God. Thank You for beautiful mornings,” was one of the first things out of my mouth during prayer. I had an awesome prayer, great devotion, great Bible study (starting an in-depth study on the book of Nehemiah and intercession…heavy stuff is ahead I’m sure). Then, I decided to step out of the ordinary and run. I haven’t run in about a week and I wasn’t exactly looking forward to it, but I wanted to get it done.

From sunrise to sunset help me not forget all that You’ve done for me.
From sunset to sunrise help me keep my eyes upon Your glory.

26 minutes, 1.8 miles, and 264 calories later, I felt beaten, bruised, sore and yet oddly triumphant.  Just thinking about it now, I want to put on my gear and hit the road again.  Every step hurt me, every inhalation of cold air stabbed my lungs; every improper foot strike sent pain through my ankle and up to my knee. There were times I just wanted to stop completely and pat myself on the back for making the effort. Then, I would take a deep breath, and start the run again. I knew that I had to be patient with myself, patient with the process, and I would accomplish the task set before me.

Wherefore seeing we also are compassed about with so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which doth so easily beset us, and let us run with patience the race that is set before us. (Hebrews 12:1)

I now dumbly realize this is what God wants from me. He wants me to be patient with myself, patient with the process, and I will accomplish the tasks He has set before me. I’ve really been struggling with my identity in Christ and my place in the Body. I feel like I’m striving to reach some objective, only to be crushed under the weight of it all. Then I read this AMAZING blog talking about the “Value in the Crushing” and it all made sense. I smiled and remembered that run today. I ran with patience during my run; I need to do the same with this Race.

So when you get tired troopers, just stay patient and keep your eyes on the glory of Christ. You’re gonna feel hurt, you’re gonna be sore, you’re gonna be bruised, but when all is said and done, you will be triumphant.

Happy Friday troopers.