12 Days: Lesson Learned

It’s been awhile troopers! I really should’ve written something since the Thanksgiving Debacle (which indeed got worse, but that’s a story I won’t share), but I was just too drained and uninspired.

But seeing as we’re rounding the corner to my birthday, now seemed an appropriate time to begin self-reflection. So I’ll be counting down the days until my birthday with semi great anecdotes about the journey I’ve made this year. So here are the 12 things I learned this year:

1. Progress isn’t always fun, but it’s always necessary. At the beginning of the year, I signed up for the #OneWord2011 challenge, and my word was progress. It was incredible to see how this simple concept was woven through my life this year. I’ve made a lot of progress and a lot of it was terrifying, but I’m certainly wiser and stronger from it.

2. It’s okay to have boundaries. I never knew how important boundaries were until I read a book, appropriately titled “Boundaries”. More importantly, I saw the improper boundaries I had and how it was harming me.

3. Dysfunction is never okay. See the last post.

4. I’m actually kinda beautiful. And by “kinda”, I mean, “really.” I can’t even begin to explain what a big deal it is for me to acknowledge that. I’ve always struggled with self esteem and confidence, but this year both seem to be on the rebound.

5. Christians can be quite silly. I just don’t understand us sometimes. We can get all up in arms about things that really don’t matter (see: Morton, PJ), but we don’t tend to have that same righteous indignation over things that actually matter. And I realize I’m painting with a broad brushstroke which I usually hate, but it seems apropos in this case because we are all guilty of it.

6. Good music is still being made, you just have to know where to find it. see B. Reith, Heath McNease & Playdough, Allen Stone, Gungor, etc. I’ve heard so much great music that would never be played on the radio, and I’m quite okay with that. I’m done railing against the radio companies and bemoaning the death of music. The music that’s popular now is because a ton of people like it. If they wanna like what I think is wack music, more power to them. I’ll stick to what I like and keep discovering more.

7. Black really doesn’t crack, and for that I praise God. I’ve had more people ask me if I was in high school this year than when I was actually in high school. It makes my heart happy. If I still get questions like that once I hit 35 I shall dougie every time.

8. Speaking of dougies, there really is nothing new under the sun. Although that declaration from Solomon makes me wonder if someone did the Cat Daddy in his day. I don’t doubt it at all. In 2012 I’m gonna “create” some dances and see if they catch on. When something good happens to you next year and you break out the Double Dutch, you’re welcome lol

9. It’s good to have ambitious goals. Ambitious goals force you to stretch in unimaginable ways. This year, I made a goal to read 100 books this year. I’m as voracious a read as they come but 100 books seemed quite impossible. But I really tried this year. As of today I’m at 80, and I’m pretty sure I’m not gonna crank out 20 books in 12 days. Maybe 3? But had I not set that goal, I don’t think I even would’ve read 20 books this year. I will continue to set ambitious goals and push myself.

10. Your inner circle says so much about you. I can’t tell you how much I’ve had that thought beaten into me this year, but it is absolutely true. I look at the inner circle I had just 5 years ago, and it becomes clear as day why I was such an idiot. Now I’m in a much stronger place and my inner circle is to thank.

11. On a related note, there’s nothing wrong with having an inner circle. I really like keeping people at a distance. This is good because it keeps people from harming you. The bad thing is, it keeps people from helping you too. I’ve really learned to let my guard down and let some people in. And I’ve maintained a way to keep some people out.

12. If you don’t start none, there won’t be none. I’ve learned that this weekend after listening to the Hip Hop Prez give the commencement speech this weekend at TSU. I’ve had so many great ideas that I let go to waste through fear and insecurity, and because of that I have nothing to show for my life. So now I am more determined to take leaps of faith. The worst is that I fail, and learn something right? Best case scenario is that I can actually succeed. Those sound like good terms to me now.

Great lessons I’ve learned this year, and I’m ready to learn more next year. What have you learned this year?

 

Thankful

Despite the title being very apropos for the season, and even though I LOVE the track with Jonny Lang and Michael McDonald, this won’t be quite the happy message.

As much as I’ve traveled, I’ve learned to be ready for anything and to realize that every trip serves some purpose other than me getting out of Tennessee. The current leg of this trip has done as much to reveal myself to me as it has done to reveal others to me. And for that I’m truly thankful because I can see the progress I’ve made over the past year…and still see how jacked up I am. I still need a lot of work done, but I’m glad that Jesus is as committed to the process as I am, if not more so.

But what if someone isn’t committed to the process? How does that work then? I’m currently visiting family in Arizona and seeing their relationship has brought that question to my mind. The relationship is just so dysfunctional that it affects everything around them. Me in particular. While this has not been my worst trip ever, it is definitely in the top two. It’s been so terrible that I’m changing my flight so I can go to Denver four days earlier. There have been some fun spots, but mostly it’s just anger, tension, and strongholds being revealed. We prayed as a family a few days ago and things seemed better for maybe a day. And then the other day, I actually felt tormented! I felt so burdened and hurt and I could truly sense the spiritual stronghold that seemingly has free reign. Last night at church, I thought of the evil spirit that came back to a clean house and left to get some homeboys and come back and start wildin out. That’s how it’s been feeling for the past few days, and it boggles my mind that I’m the only one who feels it. But then again, when you have the attitude that changes the culture and creates the environment of your home, you probably won’t notice it because it feels normal.

Dysfunction is NEVER normal.

That isn’t to say that there won’t be periods of dysfunction, but dysfunction should never feel comfortable setting up shop where you live.

So what do you do? I’ve prayed, I’ve fasted, I’ve given counsel. And I feel like it’s all for naught. As a single person, I am in NO WAY qualified to give marital counsel. I can give common sense counsel, but that’s about it. Even then, what good is offering advice if the person doesn’t heed it? A lyric that’s been playing over and over in my mind is “Truth is deadly when it’s not applied.”

I can only do so much, and that lesson has hit home. After awhile, I can only go back and focus on me. So that’s why I’m leaving early. The Alexis of last year would tell herself to stick it out, and just stay. But thankfully the Alexis of this year has established boundaries of what behavior is and isn’t acceptable, and how much of it she shall tolerate. (Aside, talking in 3rd person is kinda cool, no matter how pretentious it sounds. But I digress…) But seriously, there was a certain time this year where I just made up my mind and established boundaries for how much I was going to tolerate, especially when it came to dysfunction, drama, and overall craziness. Once I made that my prayer and actually started enforcing those boundaries, people suddenly became displaced or even removed from my life. Don’t think that I believe in burning bridges, because I really don’t, but I’m not gonna use it as much if it’s not in my best interests.

I’ve made a lot of progress with that in my life. This time has also made me oh so glad that I’m single. If anything, this all has reinforced how I should be content in my singleness and keep my mind on Kingdom business. So I will make the most of things today, tomorrow, and Friday morning. And then the second half of my vacation will commence, and for that I am truly thankful.

 

Someone’s Somebody

I truly, madly, deeply love Dave Barnes. If I ever stumbled upon a nice looking guy who sang like him, I may or may not marry him on the spot…

…which seems a fitting enough segue since I’m struggling with the relationship bug yet again. I can’t pinpoint what has prompted this time, but I’m trying my hardest to examine it differently. A few days ago, my friend posted this amazing nugget of truth on how instead of singles being busy pursuing “the one”, they should become busy with becoming “the one”. I wholeheartedly endorse that statement, but after reading that I was like, “Well God, I don’t think I’m ever getting married.”

I don’t want that to become a self-fulfilling prophecy, but I do worry.

I just can’t help feeling like I’m losing time and there’s so much I’m missing out on. By all means, I don’t need a relationship to define me…I had that for 2 years and the scars are still as defiant as ever, even if they carry no more hurt. But I really do desire a relationship that will enhance me. That’s a fair thing to ask for right?

A thought that makes me giggle is if God is doing this much work on me, how much work is he doing on my husband, wherever he is? And what a pair we’re going to make! So I’ll let that thought tide me over to soothe my impatience, if ever so slightly. As such, I’ll keep looking forward to being someone’s somebody and endure the process.

 

Rolling in the Deep

Oh em gee, what can I say about Adele that hasn’t been said? I have the biggest girl crush on her. If I could write half as well as she does, I’d consider my life mostly fulfilled.

I really need Adele to stay out of my business. When it comes to musicians stealing my journals and putting my feelings on blast, it is like Adele instinctively picked up my thoughts after John Mayer chose to disregard them and release Battle Studies. (I’m still mad at Mr. Mayer about this, but I know he’s having his issues and am inclined to give him a pass whenever he releases new material.)

When I first heard Rolling in the Deep (and now everytime I hear it), I thought of my ex-boyfriend Patrick. Everyone has that one relationship that always shapes how they perceive/endure/enjoy future relationships. Patrick was that one. I have no idea where he is now (thankfully), and I’m sure he’s put me out of his mind since our breakup 2 and a half years ago. I don’t miss him, and I can honestly say that memories of him don’t hurt me anymore, which is a HUGE leap of progress. But while the scars don’t hurt anymore, the scar tissue is sometimes unavoidable.

The scars of your love remind me of us,
They keep me thinking that we almost had it all…

Had either one of us really had our mess together, we really could’ve had it all. But that dream is far out of reach and I know that we’re both the better for it. Good and bad, I learned a lot about myself and was forced to grow up a lot because of him. So the 28 months wasn’t a total loss. But sometimes I really wonder why I couldn’t have a lot more to show for it.

You had my heart inside of your hands,
And you played it to the beat.

The thing that bothers me so much about it all is that I still think about him. Sometimes I hear a good kiss-off song (like this one) and think of him, or I see a white boy with black girl that would normally be out of his league and think, “dang, that used to be me and Pat.” It annoys me to no end. Sometimes I just wonder if he thinks of me and the role he played in things, or if he’s happy and content having moved on with some other chick. It’s almost as if I’m scratching at the scar tissue trying to remember the hurt because I’m so used to carrying it with me. The scar doesn’t really hurt at all. It’s just annoying to know that it’s there and won’t go away.

Maybe enough time hasn’t passed by yet. Or maybe I’m subconsciously clinging on to something I can’t have. Or maybe I’m still feeling regret because I’m not used to burning bridges and have to deal with the remains of a bridge I blew up completely. I don’t know, and I’m not sure I ever will. They say time heals all wounds, so I guess I’m resigned to keep rolling in the deep until I can learn to stop picking at this scar tissue over my heart.

 

Sticks and Stones

I am truly, madly, deeply in love with Dave Barnes. His newest album is great, but his older work is that much better.

As is the norm in my life, the tremendous high of yesterday has been replaced by the devastating low today. And as is also the norm in my life, it relates to family relationships, or the genuine lack thereof. A week ago, out Pastor asked us to write down 3 things that we’re really desperate for God to do in our lives. The last thing that I wrote on my list was for God to restore the broken relationships in my life, and He knows that I have way too many to count. And it all starts at home where in place of a normal functioning Mother/Daughter relationship is two people who occupy the same space in radically different ways. If our spaces don’t overlap out of pure necessity, then they usually don’t overlap at all. I don’t know how to fix it, and honestly I’m ready to stop trying.

Sometimes your words are thick as lead
You swing them strong upside my head
What hasn’t killed has made me strong
So I’ll take my scars and move along

I have such an interesting dynamic with all of my family. And by “interesting”, I mean non-existant. Each person in my immediate family (my little brother notwithstanding) has done or said something that has put me off and it is easier to keep them at a distance. My family is notorious for being stubborn and unmoving in how they feel or think. So if you have a contrary opinion or thought, it doesn’t matter. Even if you’re right. I don’t want to spend time defending something to someone when they refuse to acknowledge it.  So instead of reaching out to my family, I keep them at a distance.

I love my family tremendously, and I’ve forgiven them of the hurtful words and actions, I really have. But forgiveness doesn’t erase scars over the years. My scar tissues is gargantuan. The Bible says you shouldn’t go to bed angry, and I completely subscribe to that. So instead, I replace that anger with disappointment, with nonchalance, with distance. With certain people physical distance can only go so far, but emotional distance can be infinite.

I’d rather have sticks and stones and broken bones
Then the words you say to me
Cause I know bruises heal and cuts will seal
But your words beat the life out of me

So as I sit here and ponder 2011, I’m more anxious than ever. Sometimes I wish I could go back and write something different on that sheet. Why didn’t I ask for a car, or for world peace, or for something simple? Despite my reservations, I know God will answer my prayer, one way or another. In the meantime, I’ll keep reflecting and pray for the day to come that words don’t hurt as much.

 

Surprises

This is my favorite song by Israel Houghton right now. This has been playing as a constant loop and this song affects me so deeply each and every time I hear it.

As usual, there has been a multitude of things going on in my life. The whirlwind has been both exciting and overwhelming. There’s been a lot of pieces in my life that have fallen and I’m not quite sure what to do with them. Some pieces terrify me more than others.

The biggest surprise is this newest endeavor I’m undertaking. I can’t really say too much about it right now because it’s in the infancy stage, but it involves me finally listening to God and fulfilling the vision He’s placed in my life. For so long I’ve been struggling with God’s will for me and I’ve been trying to impose my will on Him and that’s just led to a lot of heartbreak. Now that I’ve finally stopped fighting, I can clearly see His plan for me and it’s a lot bigger than I could imagine. I’m scared to move forward, I’m utterly scared of failure, but my faith is much stronger than my fear. It’s been a long time since I’ve been able to say that. So I’m going to keep working, keep trusting Him, and walk down this path He’s set before me. I’ve been on my on detour for way too long.

Speaking of detours, I’m officially out of school for at least the next 6 months. My head was not really in this class, and there was no way I could get off of Academic Probation, so I’m on Academic Disqualification. This leaves me with quite a bitter feeling, but I’m solely to blame. The more I went through the program, the more I knew that it wasn’t what I was supposed to be doing. But I can’t change things now. I have to accept the consequences of these decisions and move forward. My pride and my impatience have gotten the better of me with this, but I’ve learned invaluably from it.

From first to last You knew my days / Future and past You saw everything / When I would fail, would I would win / When I would need grace to start again / Nothing surprises You / Nothing surprises You about me Jesus

While I’m grateful that nothing surprises Jesus, I wish He would drop some hints my way when things were about to happen so I wouldn’t be surprised so much.

Case in point: completely out of nowhere, my Tag just popped back into my life with the most random of text messages. Now for those of you who don’t know, Tag is a reference from Friends which I never watched. I just co-opted the term from Black Girls Like Us and have modified it accordingly. Now my Tag is much older than me, but common sense wise he seems to be younger. The true definitive trait about the Tags of the world is that the girl should really know better than to catch feelings, but they just can’t help it. Something about Tag just pulls at you, and if you’re not careful, you’re caught in a heartbreaking trap.

So with my Tag I’ve seen him once in the past year. So many memories and images flooded me I don’t know how I could even stand to look at him without melting. But we went to Starbucks, grabbed some coffee and just talked. We’ve always had great conversations, and that was the main thing that attracted me to him. When we parted it was definitely bittersweet, but I was very much relieved. Sometimes Tags are just too much for the senses. So when he disappeared of the radar again (which he does quite frequently due to his job) I was thankful. But of course he just had to pop up out of the blue. One of my old email addresses got hacked and has been used to send spam and he apparently got quite a lot of it. So I apologized and without even thinking I said, “I miss you. We should reconnect sometime.” WHAT WAS I THINKING?! I clearly was not in my right mind. Luckily for me, his job has become quite demanding so his free time isn’t what he would like it to be. Jesus is being a fence right now. Really.

Doesn’t it quite clearly say in the Book of John (Mayer) that you have to keep running to protect your situation? Jesus be a pair of Nikes right now.  Too much is going on for me to mess it up, so I have to tread carefully.

All in all, things are really looking up for me. After 2009 I thought this year would be THE year, but it’s just more setup for next year, and I’m very excited. Hopefully I can endure some more good surprises. Lord knows I can’t handle anymore sideways surprises.

 

Unfailing Love

Jimmy Needham gave a free concert Sunday afternoon and it was amazing. A part of me kept hoping that he would sing this song, but he didn’t. In hindsight, I am quite relieved that he did not because I’m sure that would’ve exposed my great vulnerability for everyone to see.

I’ve been thinking a lot about marriage and relationships lately. I think about it more than I should and it makes me feel guilty. I know that I could be using my time and talents to focus on other things, but it still haunts my thoughts. In the words of B. Reith, “This is not the life that I had planned.”  I was so sure that I would be married at 22 and have my first child at 25. Here I am 99 days from 26 (yes, the countdown has begun!) and neither is the case. I’m trying not to be disappointed with this fact, but I do question God about it from time to time. What’s wrong with me? What am I lacking? What’s taking so long? These are questions that have yet to be answered, or at least answered to my liking.

Last night I was talking to a friend and we were discussing marriage and how someone knew if they were ready for it. Then we started talking about insecurities and I sent a text message that literally blew my mind afterward:

“…it’s just a big insecurity that I have, that I’m not worth fighting for.”

All of a sudden everything came into startling clarity. In so many of my past relationships, I have been the one fighting for the relationship to be successful. All that work always left me wanting. Then God started showing me the massive idolatry that had been taking place in my life. I’ve been exalting my ideal spouse to god-like proportions and that is simply unacceptable. I want to be married to someone who will fight for me (not literally of course, but if he had to hold it down I’m sure he would). But for so long I’ve been ignoring the One who not only fought for me, but died for me. While struggling with my impatience and frustration in all of this, God directed me to two things:

1. An awesome testimony of someone going through something similar. Reading this blog hurt my heart because I completely sympathize with her pain. The only thing worse than going through something painful is to see someone else go through it too. But there is something comforting in the fact that I’m not alone.

2. Exodus 14:14 – The LORD shall fight for you, and ye shall hold your peace.

God has a way of showing us how feeble our arguments against Him can be sometimes. Yesterday at church, Pastor Shoulders talked about the Dangers of Unbelief, and how God had Gabriel shut the mouth of Zacharias because he didn’t believe that he would have a son with Elisabeth. Because life and death is in the power of the tongue, Zacharias had his mouth shut so he couldn’t speak death into God’s promises. I’m pretty sure that’s where I’m headed now.  I know what God has promised me and I know that it will come to pass, but I’m still scared. But rather than to voice my doubts aloud, I will keep my mouth shut and truly seek after God. His love for me is unfailing and He always keeps His word. So I’ll be patient, and I’ll hold my peace. Everything else will happen at its appointed time.

 

Wedding March

My good friend is getting married today, and I just had to listen to Shinhwa’s Wedding March. I put the over/under on me crying at 20.5 kleenexes

Random Relationship-based Musings on this joyous day:

1. I really don’t know  how I’m going to act at this wedding. There has only been one occaision where I haven’t cried at the wedding, and that’s because I didn’t know anyone there and I was one of only two black people attending the wedding. The other? My dad who was a groomsman. Yeah…

The last time I went to a wedding was about 2 or 3 years ago when I was a bridesmaid and in the midst of my longest/most intense relationship ever. At every wedding I simultaneously reflect and plan. At that last wedding I was reflecting on how I was in (at the time) a great relationship and how I couldn’t wait to marry my boyfriend/sorta-kinda-maybe fiance. Now that it hasn’t worked out, I couldn’t be ever  more grateful. This time around I’m sure I will reflect on that period and fight with all my might to leave the wound alone now that it’s nearly healed. But I’ll also look forward and take time to pray for my future husband.

2. Even though I have no idea when I’ll get married (or who I’ll get married to), it is never too early to start praying for my husband. Every now and then I pray that God is guarding his heart from some foolishness, and that he will be patient with the process as God develops him and builds character in him. God knows how impatient I am with this process, so there’s no telling how he’s feeling. There’s something reassuring to that thought.

3. Every so often, I think about what I want my husband to look like. And it changes ever so often. I prayed that my husband fit some archetype of the following people:

A) Adrien Brody: Unconventional, with a little bit of mystery, chameleon-like and can adapt to anything. And spontaneous. I still envy Halle Berry to this day. I’m not sayin, I’m just sayin.

B) Rodrigo Santoro: Smoldering good looks; Hispanic and can speak at least 3 languages; Quiet leading man; Always keeps you guessing. See also: Gael Garcia Bernal (Side note: And have you seen Love Actually? He’s the only reason I watch that movie every Christmas. Well him, and Hugh Grant dancing.)

C) Tyrese: A little hood but someone you can still take home to mom and laugh as he charms her to death; Lives on the borderline between dangerous and reckless. (In my defense, I had this archetype years ago when I didn’t know any better.)

D) Kim Dongwan: Korean; have a great body; can sing. That was about it. Also, this archetype was in 1999-2000.

E) B.Reith: My current (among many) boos! Symbolizes the current archetype: handsome, but not enough to spend more time in the mirror than me; sense of humor; really REALLY loves God. Baby Dwight Howard arms optional

Looking at these archetypes I see how crazy I am and I thank God that He doesn’t leave me to my own devices. Jesus has been more than a fence. He’s been my lookout and on some occasions He’s been my straight-jacket. I’m no longer overly concerned with the details, because I know God has already worked out. I talk to Him all the time about the timing, but I can live with it.

4. If there was a singleness scale where one extreme was bitter and the other extreme was defiantly proud, I can say I’m finally in the happy medium. I used to be so depressed about being single. Then I learned that there’s nothing lonelier than being in a relationship with a person that doesn’t want you. There were times where I were so proud of being single that I thought I didn’t need anyone, even God. But He knocked that chip off my shoulder really fast. Now, I’m in a really good place. While I desire companionship, I don’t crave it, don’t obsess over it. When it happens it’ll happen. Until then, I’m enjoying me and enjoying the process (more or less) of getting me together.

So now I will leave to get my stuff together and prepare to celebrate this wonderful day. And as I watch the wedding I will look back and reflect, then I will look forward to what’s ahead. Then I will come back to the present and enjoy this time for the gift it is.

 

Butterflies

So my little brother is a Michael Jackson fanatic. So I quizzed him to see if he knew what my favorite MJ song was. He failed tremendously (but to be fair, I don’t know his fave song either). Butterflies is that jam. Speaking of which, does anyone know what happened to Ace Young? He had my heart when he sang it on American Idol.

This week, my church has been hosting its annual Women’s Conference, The Esther Assignment. I was excited beyond reason because this was my first time at this conference and because I know that I need something very great. My expectations have been exceeded on every level and the conference isn’t even over! But let’s backtrack a bit.

So I have a crush on a guy. I haven’t had a crush in a long time and to be honest I quite forgot what it felt like. And this crush totally caught me by surprise. We’ll call this crush Cortland Finnegan lol. When I first saw Cortland, I never paid him ANY attention. He quite literally blended into the background. And a few weeks ago, all of a sudden he appeared very different to me. Physically, spiritually, there were these tangible changes that made me take notice at once. And once I did, I knew I was in trouble. I told God quite often that I didn’t need this distraction because I had enough to deal with. So I spent a great deal of time trying to knock the mental distraction out and praying continually that I could not only guard my heart from these feelings, but guard his heart from any foolishness that I am more than capable of. A few close friends know about the crush and they tease me about it, which is normal. Yesterday I shrugged the whole thing off. “It’s fun having a crush,” I said to my little brother with the mental caveat to myself, “especially when you know nothing is gonna happen.” With all my struggles being single and all the junk that I have goin on, I’m nowhere near ready for a relationship. To be in one would poison Cortland or Tebow or B.Reith or any other guy God selected for me to date (that’s my wishlist alright, get off me!)

While working with the media department last night, God ministered to me in such a great way. He drew the parallels between how I was feeling about Cortland to how He was feeling about me and it blew my mind. God has a crush on me, on you, He has a major crush on His people period. He thinks about us all the time, and He wants to shower us with attention and with gifts and He wants to kick it with us. Even though I don’t see anything happening with Cortland, God wants something to happen with us. He wants to have a real and a deep relationship with us. I feel like that since I’ve been back in church, I’ve never fully noticed God. I knew He was there and I knew a lot about Him, but I treated Him like, “Yeah, You’re cool and all Jesus, but You’re just aight.” But this week He has literally grabbed my attention. And after realizing the depth of His feelings for me, I realize that I’m starting to approach Him in a whole new way. During the evening service, I was literally distracted by Him mentally like I was with Cortland. “God, You’re really feelin me like that? And You really wanna kick it with me and let this thing grow?” I was giddy and literally had butterflies. It’s amazing to see God for who He really is and to realize that He loves me so much. My biggest prayer leaving this conference is that all women get a crush on jesus and wanna kick it with Him and crave Him. As women, we’re good at craving things. That dude, that new purse, that pint of Ben & Jerry’s. But let’s crave God and chase after Him, and watch how that Divine relationship blooms.

So I asked God if He was using Cortland to illustrate His point. As soon as I thought that, I could just see Jesus smiling like, “Yeah…maybe…” lol And I’m perfectly okay with that. I could feel those silly feelings for Cortland being taken down quite a few notches after last night’s service and it’s just as well. Now when I see him, I’m sure I’ll still get those butterflies, but I’ll realize Who those butterflies are really for.

 

Daughters

This week I have been all about some John Mayer, I have no idea why. Case in point: soon as I started typing this up, “Assassin” came on. But there’s always some lessons to learn from him. Just this morning while still mostly sick, I watched Where the Light Is and Storytellers back to back. Looking at the past John with the context of the post-Playboy interview John has made a lot of things stick out. And it gave me lots of room to think.

While watching Storytellers, John gave the reasoning behind the song “Daughters”. He talked of how he was so much in love with this girl, but she didn’t love him back because she had been so hurt. So when tracing the pattern backwards, John found that “she couldn’t love the current man in her life because of the first man in her life, her father.”  It made me  think of Why Did I Get Married Too when Troy and Sheila were having an argument. Sheila said that it was so hard to have a good man after being with a bad one. Troy said the only thing worse than that is being a good man that has a good woman after she was hurt buy a bad man.

All of this made me reconsider if I had any baggage from my numerous battles with my father. While our relationship is mostly reconciled, there are still a lot of scars remaining. I have to now wonder if I will take some (or all) of those scars with me into my next relationship. I’m sure those scars were carried into my past relationships which led to fresh scars that are finally on the mend. But I’m determined not to carry any of these scars into my next relationship. The problem is I won’t really know what I bring until I get there.

I’ve been wanting to be in a relationship for an extended period now and the urgency of that wanting has me quite concerned. God has made it quite clear that I’m not ready for a relationship (which may or may not be a reason why I’m not talking to Him right now. Hasn’t stopped Him from talking to me but I digress…). I’m constantly struggling with my feelings and having to examine my motives. And while thinking of the baggage I have with my dad, it also made me wonder what kind of baggage I have with God since He’s my Father too. That thought has scared me tremendously.

Aren’t all relationships supposed to be representations of our relationships with Christ? For that reason alone, I know I’m not ready for a relationship. There are so many rough edges He’s trying to smooth but I’m not letting Him because I’m comfortable with those edges. And if I can’t follow Him without fighting it all the way, how am I supposed to follow someone who’s just as imperfect as me?

2010 is the make it or break it year. For me, for my family, for my church, for seemingly everyone I know. And as hard as I try to keep the pace and make it through this, I see myself falling by the wayside due to my own stubbornness. (Just another aside, 30 Seconds to Mars’ “A Beautiful Lie” has come on iTunes, and of course it is perfectly appropriate. See here.) But I know that this is just a season, a time for brokenness so I can be healed; a time for isolation so I can be comforted; a time of insecurity so I can be taught and restored. This is definitely not one of my fun seasons, but I know that good things are on the other side.