Thankful

Despite the title being very apropos for the season, and even though I LOVE the track with Jonny Lang and Michael McDonald, this won’t be quite the happy message.

As much as I’ve traveled, I’ve learned to be ready for anything and to realize that every trip serves some purpose other than me getting out of Tennessee. The current leg of this trip has done as much to reveal myself to me as it has done to reveal others to me. And for that I’m truly thankful because I can see the progress I’ve made over the past year…and still see how jacked up I am. I still need a lot of work done, but I’m glad that Jesus is as committed to the process as I am, if not more so.

But what if someone isn’t committed to the process? How does that work then? I’m currently visiting family in Arizona and seeing their relationship has brought that question to my mind. The relationship is just so dysfunctional that it affects everything around them. Me in particular. While this has not been my worst trip ever, it is definitely in the top two. It’s been so terrible that I’m changing my flight so I can go to Denver four days earlier. There have been some fun spots, but mostly it’s just anger, tension, and strongholds being revealed. We prayed as a family a few days ago and things seemed better for maybe a day. And then the other day, I actually felt tormented! I felt so burdened and hurt and I could truly sense the spiritual stronghold that seemingly has free reign. Last night at church, I thought of the evil spirit that came back to a clean house and left to get some homeboys and come back and start wildin out. That’s how it’s been feeling for the past few days, and it boggles my mind that I’m the only one who feels it. But then again, when you have the attitude that changes the culture and creates the environment of your home, you probably won’t notice it because it feels normal.

Dysfunction is NEVER normal.

That isn’t to say that there won’t be periods of dysfunction, but dysfunction should never feel comfortable setting up shop where you live.

So what do you do? I’ve prayed, I’ve fasted, I’ve given counsel. And I feel like it’s all for naught. As a single person, I am in NO WAY qualified to give marital counsel. I can give common sense counsel, but that’s about it. Even then, what good is offering advice if the person doesn’t heed it? A lyric that’s been playing over and over in my mind is “Truth is deadly when it’s not applied.”

I can only do so much, and that lesson has hit home. After awhile, I can only go back and focus on me. So that’s why I’m leaving early. The Alexis of last year would tell herself to stick it out, and just stay. But thankfully the Alexis of this year has established boundaries of what behavior is and isn’t acceptable, and how much of it she shall tolerate. (Aside, talking in 3rd person is kinda cool, no matter how pretentious it sounds. But I digress…) But seriously, there was a certain time this year where I just made up my mind and established boundaries for how much I was going to tolerate, especially when it came to dysfunction, drama, and overall craziness. Once I made that my prayer and actually started enforcing those boundaries, people suddenly became displaced or even removed from my life. Don’t think that I believe in burning bridges, because I really don’t, but I’m not gonna use it as much if it’s not in my best interests.

I’ve made a lot of progress with that in my life. This time has also made me oh so glad that I’m single. If anything, this all has reinforced how I should be content in my singleness and keep my mind on Kingdom business. So I will make the most of things today, tomorrow, and Friday morning. And then the second half of my vacation will commence, and for that I am truly thankful.

 

Someone’s Somebody

I truly, madly, deeply love Dave Barnes. If I ever stumbled upon a nice looking guy who sang like him, I may or may not marry him on the spot…

…which seems a fitting enough segue since I’m struggling with the relationship bug yet again. I can’t pinpoint what has prompted this time, but I’m trying my hardest to examine it differently. A few days ago, my friend posted this amazing nugget of truth on how instead of singles being busy pursuing “the one”, they should become busy with becoming “the one”. I wholeheartedly endorse that statement, but after reading that I was like, “Well God, I don’t think I’m ever getting married.”

I don’t want that to become a self-fulfilling prophecy, but I do worry.

I just can’t help feeling like I’m losing time and there’s so much I’m missing out on. By all means, I don’t need a relationship to define me…I had that for 2 years and the scars are still as defiant as ever, even if they carry no more hurt. But I really do desire a relationship that will enhance me. That’s a fair thing to ask for right?

A thought that makes me giggle is if God is doing this much work on me, how much work is he doing on my husband, wherever he is? And what a pair we’re going to make! So I’ll let that thought tide me over to soothe my impatience, if ever so slightly. As such, I’ll keep looking forward to being someone’s somebody and endure the process.

 

Playback

So this post was (eventually) going to be talking about the new-ish Collie Buddz EP Playback and how I love it. But now it’s turned into my exploration behind a depressing epiphany that thesong produced. So while I’m a little mad at Collie Buddz (and George Michael too) right now for inadvertedly hurting my feelings, I still love the EP. Click here to download it for free at his website. 

The closer I draw to age 30, the more apprehensive I feel. Some days I have effusive excitement at the idea of entering into a new decade of life. But mostly, I just fear dread. I blame (most of) the dread on this:

If you're between 23-31 (and even if you're not), go buy this movie at Amazon.com for 3 bucks.

Due to being super pretentious in undergrad, I bought this movie online so I could look cool and cultured. Little did I know that it would provide some major foreshadowing  in my life right about now. To sum it up rather hastily, L’Ultimo Bacio (or The Last Kiss) is about a group of friends who are quite apprehensive about getting older and are going through it in very different ways. One couple is expecting a child and they’re freaking out. One couple is on the verge of divorce. One guy is so overcome by ‘the one who got away’ that he’s planning to leave everything behind. And one guy pursues a hedonistic lifestyle just because he can. When lamenting the current state of their lives, one of the guys, Paolo,  says to his friends while plotting his escape, “We’re not 20 anymore, but luckily we’re not 40 yet so we can still do this.” The crux of entering or being in your thirties is the most simple basis of the coming-of-age movies because the fear of that crux is very palpable. Why?

Because around 30 we HAVE to grow up. By 30 you have your life plans or your life plans it for you.

Being in your 20′s is great because you get to be viewed as an adult, but you get a lot of leeway with mistakes as if you’re still a teen. Because while you’re technically an adult, you don’t really know what you’re doing. So you spend your 20′s figuring it out. That’s what that whole decade is there for right? So you can be crazy, travel, “find yourself” and figure things out before you’re 30. Once you’re 30 you should have all of that foolishness out of your system and be ready to be a productive member of society. At 30 you truly leave those childish things behind…right?

Well, I’m about to be 27 at the end of the year and after that I’ll be in the final stretch towards 30. And I’m petrified because I still don’t have things quite figured out and I don’t have the patience to keep exploring the dead ends of my 20′s.  Here’s what I know to be true: I’ll most likely be called Dr. Alexis before I hit 30. I don’t wanna live in Clarksville anymore. Maybe even Tennessee. Here’s what I know is out of reach right now: A steady job that I love and that pays decently.  A love that’s like a soundtrack. A great relationship with a dude who is witty, may or may not play guitar, and will think of me when he hears “Playback.” Everything else I can’t even fathom right now.

As a habitual worrier, the prospect of approaching 30 worries me greatly. So many questions pop up and I have no answers for them: Will being “Dr. Alexis” pay off the student loans quickly? Why did I ever want to be married at 22? Will I be married by 32? If I don’t travel and explore before I’m 30, will I ever do it? While I’m not steadily plotting my escape like Paolo, I still jot down escape routes from time to time. More than anything, I want to be able to look back at my 20′s and see definite progress, and not a permanent holding pattern.

I wish there was a way to tie this post into a nice little bow, but I just don’t have it in me right now. Hopefully the next time I have a song on repeat, it’ll be for happier reasons.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Time Will Tell

Was listening to H.O.T. and this song title seemed very appropriate. Lyrics? Not so much.

I completely have a case of the Mondays. I’m so frustrated with how today has turned out that I was ready to lace up my shoes and easily run a 5K. (and by “easily run a 5K” I mean “angrily run a 1K”) Then it dawned on me that my inhaler is empty and that running probably wasn’t very wise.  So instead, I sat on my couch and cried to decompress.

As badly as I want to get out of my neighborhood (and possibly Clarksville), I want my for my mom to get out that much more. She has done so many great things in this community and it is never appreciated by the people she does things for. It breaks my heart and it reached such a point today that I was too upset for words.  She spends countless hours trying to put together programs for people who don’t show up, and fielding phone calls from Washington, lobbying for people who don’t respect her. It’s mind boggling. More than that, it’s upsetting. She deserves better…so much better.

God designs all our paths, but my mom’s path seems extraordinarily rocky, and I often question whether or not that’s fair. Does my mom do everything right? Is she peaceable with everyone? Of course not. No one is. But she does so much good that is unseen and I’m always wondering when she’ll be properly rewarded. If it was up to me, she’d be far away from here working to her heart’s content for people that want to be actively engaged and involved. Unfortunately, it’s not up to me.  Time will certainly tell how all of this plays out. I’m hopeful that it has a happy ending.

 

Rolling in the Deep

Oh em gee, what can I say about Adele that hasn’t been said? I have the biggest girl crush on her. If I could write half as well as she does, I’d consider my life mostly fulfilled.

I really need Adele to stay out of my business. When it comes to musicians stealing my journals and putting my feelings on blast, it is like Adele instinctively picked up my thoughts after John Mayer chose to disregard them and release Battle Studies. (I’m still mad at Mr. Mayer about this, but I know he’s having his issues and am inclined to give him a pass whenever he releases new material.)

When I first heard Rolling in the Deep (and now everytime I hear it), I thought of my ex-boyfriend Patrick. Everyone has that one relationship that always shapes how they perceive/endure/enjoy future relationships. Patrick was that one. I have no idea where he is now (thankfully), and I’m sure he’s put me out of his mind since our breakup 2 and a half years ago. I don’t miss him, and I can honestly say that memories of him don’t hurt me anymore, which is a HUGE leap of progress. But while the scars don’t hurt anymore, the scar tissue is sometimes unavoidable.

The scars of your love remind me of us,
They keep me thinking that we almost had it all…

Had either one of us really had our mess together, we really could’ve had it all. But that dream is far out of reach and I know that we’re both the better for it. Good and bad, I learned a lot about myself and was forced to grow up a lot because of him. So the 28 months wasn’t a total loss. But sometimes I really wonder why I couldn’t have a lot more to show for it.

You had my heart inside of your hands,
And you played it to the beat.

The thing that bothers me so much about it all is that I still think about him. Sometimes I hear a good kiss-off song (like this one) and think of him, or I see a white boy with black girl that would normally be out of his league and think, “dang, that used to be me and Pat.” It annoys me to no end. Sometimes I just wonder if he thinks of me and the role he played in things, or if he’s happy and content having moved on with some other chick. It’s almost as if I’m scratching at the scar tissue trying to remember the hurt because I’m so used to carrying it with me. The scar doesn’t really hurt at all. It’s just annoying to know that it’s there and won’t go away.

Maybe enough time hasn’t passed by yet. Or maybe I’m subconsciously clinging on to something I can’t have. Or maybe I’m still feeling regret because I’m not used to burning bridges and have to deal with the remains of a bridge I blew up completely. I don’t know, and I’m not sure I ever will. They say time heals all wounds, so I guess I’m resigned to keep rolling in the deep until I can learn to stop picking at this scar tissue over my heart.

 

Great Expectations

If someone can answer this question for me, I’ll give them my first paycheck from Kohl’s. (My first paycheck will only be like $30 but still…) What do you do when you know your expectations won’t be fulfilled?

I had such high hopes for 2010. Each passing day things ebbed and flowed and just seemed to level off. By mid-year, I wasn’t quite ready to chalk up the year as a loss, but my hopes were greatly diminished. Then October came around and it looked like things were creepin on the come up and I was getting excited about the final quarter of the year. Then this month happens and I’m completely thrown. This month hit me so hard I can’t even be knocked sideways a la Citizen Cope. November has been my Pacquiao to my Margarito.

I mean, what is REALLY GOING ON? Everything that I knew to be true, and a lot of key people that I knew to be trusted have all proven false. What do you do when the people and things you admire appear not to be as polished as self-proclaimed? I mean people are human and you have to give them the space to grow because they’re not perfect, but at the same time you can’t turn a blind eye to such things. Or at least I can’t.

I’ve been praying, crying, pleading with God to give me some kinda heads up or direction, but so far He’s been silent. This seems like one of those things that I have to tread carefully and re-evaluate ALL of my relationships.  I’m pretty sure that this is a blessing in disguise. Maybe this IS the set up I’ve been looking for. But I’m extremely anxious about what the rest of the year has in store for me.

And I’m that much more anxious about 2011. Pray y’all.

 

Alright

I am still in starting to get out of that icky mood, but for a change of pace I decided to listen to Emily King. I love love LOVE her. Her voice and her style is just great. I need her to come out with another album already. She’s starting to get me back in my right frame of mind.

When God flips the script on you, it is usually NEVER welcome but ALWAYS necessary. As you can tell if you’ve been reading the past few posts, I’ve been down a lot more than usual lately. I’ve been so distressed lately at the situations in my life that I’ve just withdrawn from everything because no one was really listening to me anyway.

Just an aside: people who are really good listeners want to be listened to occasionally. The problem with good listeners is that they’re always listening and can either never find their time to talk, or just aren’t good talkers because they’ve never had the time to talk. I’m not sayin, I’m just sayin…

Rev. Run said on twitter once that when life knocks you to your knees, that’s an indication you need to pray. As usual, he was right on the money so I decided to really pray. And by pray I mean I sat down and just told Him everything that I was feeling. Everything I wanted to say to a confidant I said to Him, since I really have no confidant. At first it felt like He wasn’t listening so I continued doing my own thing. While doing my own thing I literally stopped myself and said out loud, “Alexis, what are you doing?!” Sometimes you need those moments to shake the cobwebs loose.

Afterwards, I did some searching. Whenever I’m really needing an answer or some clarity, I head to the Book of James. I don’t know what it is about this Book, but it always gives me a new perspective on my relationship with God. This instance was no different. After re-reading the Book and taking some uber-diligent notes (haven’t taken notes like this since undergrad. my grad professors would be upset.) I really saw what the problem was (and always has been): ME.

This whole time, I’ve felt like God has been neglecting His promises to me, when come to find out I’M the one that’s been neglecting the promises. He’s re-confirmed some of the promises just this morning. Not that he needed to, not that he had to, but in a way to show me, “Here’s what I’ve been doing; what have you been doing?” Thinking back, I can clearly see how He has been setting things in order and I’ve been too oblivious to really see it. I see the promises literally collecting dust and it’s my own fault.

So now it’s time to get things back in order and do things the right way. I’m gonna collect everything, wipe the dust away, and get back to work.

 

Vultures, Pt. 2

As I mentioned earlier, God has really been dealing with me about the Armor of the Spirit. He’s pointed out all of the chinks in my armor and I have a LOT of work to do. My prayers have been lackluster at best, nonexistant at worst, because I don’t know how to deal with it. God has never talked so bad to me before and I don’t like it. I have (wrongly) adopted the mentality that I will talk to Him when He starts being nicer to me.  I can however appreciate the irony in this change of pace and role reversals of sorts. During past prayers I would talk to Jesus and throw up deuces when I was done and had to be on my way. For the past two weeks, God has CLEARLY been talking to me and I’m so ashamed and bewildered that I have no comeback.

Don’t you hate it when you know you need to do something, but you don’t like people telling you what you need to do? Yeah…

So doing some research on the Armor of the Spirit, God has really been stressing having my loins girded with truth. As I re-read Ephesians 6, I noticed that this was the first piece of armor mentioned and I was curious as to why. After digging through some commentaries, I learned that when Roman soldiers prepared for battle, the belted their waists first. The belt held all of the other armor.

Stop the presses.

Thinking about it now it makes perfect sense. How can we have righteousness, salvation, faith, without Truth? And how we can we successfully use our Sword of the Spirit if we don’t have a revelation about it?

This whole time I’ve been running to protect my situation, but haven’t had a clue why I was running, or what I was trying to protect for that matter.  Out of the parallels to armor Paul made in Ephesians, he didn’t mention any armor that covers your back. I’m pretty sure this is because you’re not supposed to be running from the enemy.

If God has been dealing with me this much just on the first piece of Armor, I can only imagine what the rest of the Armor will be like. I am, however, ready to stop running. I’m ready to fix my armor and get back to what’s important.