12 Days: Lesson Learned

It’s been awhile troopers! I really should’ve written something since the Thanksgiving Debacle (which indeed got worse, but that’s a story I won’t share), but I was just too drained and uninspired.

But seeing as we’re rounding the corner to my birthday, now seemed an appropriate time to begin self-reflection. So I’ll be counting down the days until my birthday with semi great anecdotes about the journey I’ve made this year. So here are the 12 things I learned this year:

1. Progress isn’t always fun, but it’s always necessary. At the beginning of the year, I signed up for the #OneWord2011 challenge, and my word was progress. It was incredible to see how this simple concept was woven through my life this year. I’ve made a lot of progress and a lot of it was terrifying, but I’m certainly wiser and stronger from it.

2. It’s okay to have boundaries. I never knew how important boundaries were until I read a book, appropriately titled “Boundaries”. More importantly, I saw the improper boundaries I had and how it was harming me.

3. Dysfunction is never okay. See the last post.

4. I’m actually kinda beautiful. And by “kinda”, I mean, “really.” I can’t even begin to explain what a big deal it is for me to acknowledge that. I’ve always struggled with self esteem and confidence, but this year both seem to be on the rebound.

5. Christians can be quite silly. I just don’t understand us sometimes. We can get all up in arms about things that really don’t matter (see: Morton, PJ), but we don’t tend to have that same righteous indignation over things that actually matter. And I realize I’m painting with a broad brushstroke which I usually hate, but it seems apropos in this case because we are all guilty of it.

6. Good music is still being made, you just have to know where to find it. see B. Reith, Heath McNease & Playdough, Allen Stone, Gungor, etc. I’ve heard so much great music that would never be played on the radio, and I’m quite okay with that. I’m done railing against the radio companies and bemoaning the death of music. The music that’s popular now is because a ton of people like it. If they wanna like what I think is wack music, more power to them. I’ll stick to what I like and keep discovering more.

7. Black really doesn’t crack, and for that I praise God. I’ve had more people ask me if I was in high school this year than when I was actually in high school. It makes my heart happy. If I still get questions like that once I hit 35 I shall dougie every time.

8. Speaking of dougies, there really is nothing new under the sun. Although that declaration from Solomon makes me wonder if someone did the Cat Daddy in his day. I don’t doubt it at all. In 2012 I’m gonna “create” some dances and see if they catch on. When something good happens to you next year and you break out the Double Dutch, you’re welcome lol

9. It’s good to have ambitious goals. Ambitious goals force you to stretch in unimaginable ways. This year, I made a goal to read 100 books this year. I’m as voracious a read as they come but 100 books seemed quite impossible. But I really tried this year. As of today I’m at 80, and I’m pretty sure I’m not gonna crank out 20 books in 12 days. Maybe 3? But had I not set that goal, I don’t think I even would’ve read 20 books this year. I will continue to set ambitious goals and push myself.

10. Your inner circle says so much about you. I can’t tell you how much I’ve had that thought beaten into me this year, but it is absolutely true. I look at the inner circle I had just 5 years ago, and it becomes clear as day why I was such an idiot. Now I’m in a much stronger place and my inner circle is to thank.

11. On a related note, there’s nothing wrong with having an inner circle. I really like keeping people at a distance. This is good because it keeps people from harming you. The bad thing is, it keeps people from helping you too. I’ve really learned to let my guard down and let some people in. And I’ve maintained a way to keep some people out.

12. If you don’t start none, there won’t be none. I’ve learned that this weekend after listening to the Hip Hop Prez give the commencement speech this weekend at TSU. I’ve had so many great ideas that I let go to waste through fear and insecurity, and because of that I have nothing to show for my life. So now I am more determined to take leaps of faith. The worst is that I fail, and learn something right? Best case scenario is that I can actually succeed. Those sound like good terms to me now.

Great lessons I’ve learned this year, and I’m ready to learn more next year. What have you learned this year?

 

Where I Belong

“…but I’m not sentimental, this skin and bones is a rental…and no one makes it out alive…

Why does Switchfoot’s albums always jack me up? As I write this, it is 4:25am and I have been up for about 2 hours. Just reading, praying, crying, listening…and not in that order. Since I could not go back to sleep at 2:34am, I assumed God wanted to talk since my world was perfectly quiet.

So I listened.

He brought something I said roughly 10 years ago to remembrance. Way back when before I gave my life to Christ, I absolutely loved The Messenger starring Millard Jovivich. I was talking toma friend about how I was drawn to the movie and how I felt similar to Joan of Arc. “So you think you’re gonna be burned at the stake?” he asked me kiddingly. I laughed. “haha no,” I said, “but I feel like I’ll be tried for my faith.”

I was taken aback. I mean, why after all this time, would I remember such a thing at 3 in the morning? So I prayed. Was this a self-fulfilling prophecy? Am I really gonna be tried and martyred, or will I merely be tried in the court of public opinion? What does this all mean?

I am answered with silence. I cry.

I tell myself to snap out of it, and I listen to Switchfoot’s new album and eat a cheeseburger…at 3:45-ish. Somedays my life simply makes no sense.

This body is not my home, this world is not my own…
On the day I die, I wanna hold my head up high, I wanna tell you that I tried…

“Where I Belong” fades out and I cry some more. The worst thing bout being an introvert is that if something bothers me, I will continue to hash it out and think it over obsessively until something makes sense. This is where I fear I will be most of the day, but I feel that understanding will be elusive if just for today.

 

Playback

So this post was (eventually) going to be talking about the new-ish Collie Buddz EP Playback and how I love it. But now it’s turned into my exploration behind a depressing epiphany that thesong produced. So while I’m a little mad at Collie Buddz (and George Michael too) right now for inadvertedly hurting my feelings, I still love the EP. Click here to download it for free at his website. 

The closer I draw to age 30, the more apprehensive I feel. Some days I have effusive excitement at the idea of entering into a new decade of life. But mostly, I just fear dread. I blame (most of) the dread on this:

If you're between 23-31 (and even if you're not), go buy this movie at Amazon.com for 3 bucks.

Due to being super pretentious in undergrad, I bought this movie online so I could look cool and cultured. Little did I know that it would provide some major foreshadowing  in my life right about now. To sum it up rather hastily, L’Ultimo Bacio (or The Last Kiss) is about a group of friends who are quite apprehensive about getting older and are going through it in very different ways. One couple is expecting a child and they’re freaking out. One couple is on the verge of divorce. One guy is so overcome by ‘the one who got away’ that he’s planning to leave everything behind. And one guy pursues a hedonistic lifestyle just because he can. When lamenting the current state of their lives, one of the guys, Paolo,  says to his friends while plotting his escape, “We’re not 20 anymore, but luckily we’re not 40 yet so we can still do this.” The crux of entering or being in your thirties is the most simple basis of the coming-of-age movies because the fear of that crux is very palpable. Why?

Because around 30 we HAVE to grow up. By 30 you have your life plans or your life plans it for you.

Being in your 20′s is great because you get to be viewed as an adult, but you get a lot of leeway with mistakes as if you’re still a teen. Because while you’re technically an adult, you don’t really know what you’re doing. So you spend your 20′s figuring it out. That’s what that whole decade is there for right? So you can be crazy, travel, “find yourself” and figure things out before you’re 30. Once you’re 30 you should have all of that foolishness out of your system and be ready to be a productive member of society. At 30 you truly leave those childish things behind…right?

Well, I’m about to be 27 at the end of the year and after that I’ll be in the final stretch towards 30. And I’m petrified because I still don’t have things quite figured out and I don’t have the patience to keep exploring the dead ends of my 20′s.  Here’s what I know to be true: I’ll most likely be called Dr. Alexis before I hit 30. I don’t wanna live in Clarksville anymore. Maybe even Tennessee. Here’s what I know is out of reach right now: A steady job that I love and that pays decently.  A love that’s like a soundtrack. A great relationship with a dude who is witty, may or may not play guitar, and will think of me when he hears “Playback.” Everything else I can’t even fathom right now.

As a habitual worrier, the prospect of approaching 30 worries me greatly. So many questions pop up and I have no answers for them: Will being “Dr. Alexis” pay off the student loans quickly? Why did I ever want to be married at 22? Will I be married by 32? If I don’t travel and explore before I’m 30, will I ever do it? While I’m not steadily plotting my escape like Paolo, I still jot down escape routes from time to time. More than anything, I want to be able to look back at my 20′s and see definite progress, and not a permanent holding pattern.

I wish there was a way to tie this post into a nice little bow, but I just don’t have it in me right now. Hopefully the next time I have a song on repeat, it’ll be for happier reasons.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Best Day Ever

So call me SpongeBob because I just had the best day ever.

God’s love for me is quite unnerving. I do not and will not ever understand it. The past couple of weeks I’ve been wandering from God. I’ve been dealing with a lot of insecurity and it overtook my relationship with Him. I didn’t talk to Him, not because I didn’t want to. On the contrary, I did want to talk to God, and often. But I questioned why God would want to talk to me, and so the conversation never took place. I remember several days last week where God woke me up at 4:00, 4:30, 5:00 AM and I could feel Him pressing me as if saying, “Hey, I do want to talk to you! Let’s talk!” But I felt too ashamed, too lowly. So I would read the Bible, feel even lower, and go back to sleep. If I could make money on my ability to keep God at a distance, I would be set for life.

But yesterday, everything shifted so subtly, I feel like the trajectory of my life has been permanently changed.

Sometimes we can hear so much about the character of God that it renders us numb. How often do we hear and talk about God’s mercy, His lovingkindness, His grace? It is easy for us to hear it so much that it loses its impact. And when something loses its impact, we often miss the chance to experience it fully. This whole time I’ve been experiencing God’s grace, mercy, and unfailing love, but I’ve missed it because I’ve been more impacted by my insecurity than God’s security.  Even as I type this I am crying because I’m so overwhelmed by God’s love for me. Yesterday He sent confirmation after confirmation that He’s looking out for me. If God talked to me as candidly as I think He would, He would say to me very sardonically, “Hey Alexis, I don’t know if you know this, but I’m pretty brilliant. I’m not sayin, I’m just sayin. I see what you’re going through and I got you. So just relax.”

The Katinas confirmed this exact thought when during the middle of their set, they threw out this nugget:

“God didn’t call you to understand, He called you to trust.”

And with that perfect segue in place, let me describe the awesomeness of the concert last night. From start to finish, the concert was fantastic. Quimi started off the show and as she went into her set, I looked at my friend Kasey and said, “Am I listening to a Lauryn Hill song at church?” I knew from then that this show would not disappoint. Quimi’s Spanish breakdown brought back memories of Selena. She was just adorable. If I were not a broke college student, I would’ve bought her album on iTunes right on the spot. (Aside: Every church should have free wi-fi so that I may live tweet everything. The world would be a better place)

After Quimi was B. Reith and I was delirously giddy. Listening to Kasey harmonize to everything was fantastic. Another aside: In my row were my friends Liz, Rasheda, Kasey and Jamika. Out of the 5 of us, I am hands down the worst singer. What most don’t know is I could be a halfway decent alto if I actually tried. Listening to our row sing during the night was fantastic. We would simultaneously sing unison and then break down into 3 and 4-part harmonies. It made my heart happy. But I digress.

If you’ve followed this blog for any amount of time, you know how I feel about B. Reith. I’ve followed him since way back when and I’ve always admired him. The fact that he lived so close to me and I hadn’t met him until last night proves God’s love for me. Had we met sooner I would’ve been a total spaz, and God would’ve looked down upon me, raised an eyebrow and shook His head. But B. Reith couldn’t have been any more charming (and disarming for that matter), and after a few seconds, I felt like I was catching up with an old friend. That Kasey got to put her PR/Agent hat on and plant a seed for a future work was an extra bonus.

The Katinas came out and headlined the show. It was just incredible. I was an only child for 13 years, and my little brother is himself growing up as an only child in Jacksonville. Seeing the brothers on stage and watching the videos about their family, I felt such a yearning, like I had been missing out on something. It made me realize why I clutch onto so many relationships at my church and why I have a ton of Godbrothers and Godsisters. There is just something about family that is so fulfilling. And when Jesus Christ is in the middle of that family, it is infinitely better. Overall, it made me that much more grateful for my family in Christ. There are so many people searching for love, for acceptance, for safety, and I get to experience these things EVERY DAY through Christ and through His people. It’s indescribable.

Leaving that concert, it made me want to cherish my relationships with those close to me even more, and it challenged me to create new relationships, to provide love, provide acceptance, and provide safety for people who don’t know Jesus, and who are searching for Him in their own way.

So now today begins a new day, and a new outlook.  My One Word for 2011 has been progress, and I know that I’m achieving progress, slowly but ever so surely. I feel like I’ve finally turned a corner, and I’m no longer anxious about what’s around the corner. I hate feeling so weak in not knowing what’s ahead, but it’s when I’m weak that He’s brilliant. And I couldn’t be anymore grateful.

 

Something’s Missing

I can’t be sure that this state of mind, is not of my own design
I wish there was an over the counter test, for loneliness.

As Pastor John [Mayer] so adequately put it. Something’s missing, and I don’t know how to fix it. In fact let’s back up a bit: Something’s missing, and I’m not quite sure what it is. It can all be pinpointed, however, to this book:

Now and Not Yet: Purchase on Amazon.com

I purchased this book at LifeWay extremely by happenstance. (I blame Tim Tebow. Had I not seen his picture outside of the store, I wouldn’t have thrown the car into park and run in to pick up his book and look around, but I digress.) I needed some new reading material and the book look interesting, so I grabbed it.

The next day, my dad and I are talking about how he’s gonna bounce back from his sickness, so he could be around for me and my brother for a long time, and for “whenever I decide to give [him] grandkids.” I stress that the whole grandkids ordeal is still a ways away, and that I kinda need a husband first so kindly pump the breaks. A while later, I’m talking to an Aunt who talks to me about my career choices and how if I want to have children I need to do so soon because, “that clock is ticking.”

I wanted to slam my head against the wall.

I have just gotten over this overwhelming need for companionship, and all of a sudden those feelings of want start encroaching again. It’s not that I’ve ever lost the desire to get married because that’s clearly not the case, but the desire hasn’t been all encompassing. So after coming back home from vacation, I start reading the book and am stunned by all the feelings that are starting to surface.

Starting next week, I’m going to break down a chapter of the book every few days and publically process everthing I’m feeling. I’m sure lots of people can relate and help me sort this stuff out. But now I’m fighting feelings of loneliness (however fleeting they are), anger, and disappointment. I’m more disappointed than anything, and at a variety of factors. I’m disappointed in the culture in which I’ve grown up, that has esteemed marriage as one of the major goals of life that I should attain by such and such date. I’m disappointed in the church for fostering and encouraging these feelings that marriage should happen soon, without really prepping me for how to enjoy my singleness. Or even worse, hold up any interaction I have with a guy into some examination on my feelings for the guy and vice versa and making lame jokes like, “Oh…Alexis is talking to Cortland Finnegan, I see what she’s doin!”

Pause. Time for an aside. I need a new placeholder name for any guy I may or may not be interested in or find attractive. I can’t use Cortland’s name anymore now that he’s married. It’s just too weird. I want to substitute Cortland for my new musical crush Heath McNease, but that seems a tad bit too weird. I need the name of someone crush-worthy who doesn’t know I exist. Idris Elba perhaps?  Feel free to kick in some suggestions. K, end aside.

I’m disappointed in my immediate family for not providing a healthy example of what marriage should be. I mean, girls are taught from a young age to desire marriage and motherhood, but when you grow up in a broken home and have nothing to encourage you but cheesy movies, what is it that they’re really being taught to desire?

For now, my feelings are a jumbled chaotic mess that only God Himself can understand. But I’m hoping over time He can help me figure it out to and help me to fix it.

I’m most disappointed in myself for not using enough common sense when I was younger to be more perceptive and realistic with my past relationships. I unwisely bought into popular culture’s idea of how relationships should work and have paid the price. I have given away a lot of time, energy, emotions, money, you name it to dudes who have really left no lasting impact on my life, unless you include the baggage and scar tissue that I’m still dealing with years later. (I have no doubts that I left them with equal amounts of baggage, but the self-flagellation tendencies of mine make me certain that they’ve gotten over it already while I obviously haven’t.) I feel like the foolishness of my past romantic pursuits have left me lacking and off-course.

 

I Am

I’ve really been meaning to do a album review on Kirk Franklin’s “Hello Fear.” I just haven’t gotten around to it. I think the album is way too heavy in my life for me to express into words. Just trust me when I say that you need to cop it. Post haste.

I’ve really been fighting against God the past few weeks. He’s been showing me upcoming pit stops along my path and it’s terrifying. As Lemon so eloquently put it, I am both excited and overwhelmed.  God has been calling me to a new level of leadership and responsibility and instead of buckling down and putting in the work to get there, I’ve been panicking. I feel like I’m not ready and I’m struggling to get there.

I’m approaching my 10th spiritual birthday in about 5 months’ time. I look back over these past ten years very bittersweetly. As much as this year is about #progress, it is all exacerbated by the lack of productiveness over my spiritual life. I remember when I first joined the church, looking around at all of the people I wanted to be like. “I hope I can be like Lemon, like Nia, like Tammy, like _______.” I remembering pinpointing specific things about different people that I wanted to emulate as I grew older. This wasn’t just me, but I feel like all of my peers had the same aspirations: to impact the younger kids as much as we were impacted my the older adults. Fast forward 10 years, and with a few people notwithstanding, I think we’re nowhere close to the “level of achievement” as our preceding generation. God’s really been dealing with me about this and it’s to the point where I’m ignoring Him. I really don’t mean to, but the level of disappointment in myself is almost beyond reproach.

I know that my spiritual growth has been stunted so much, I might as well be celebrating my 5th spiritual birthday. As scared as I am about what’s ahead, I’m ready to redeem the time. Sometimes when we’re on the path to #progress, we have to take a few detours and re-learn some things. This latest lesson in “How to Get Out of Your Own Way” is both irritatingly redundant and absolutely necessary. The fact that Tyrese keeps tweeting about this same thing is both ironic and annoying. I still might cop his book though. But I digress.

Where God is trying to take me is really mystifying. I am constantly sure that He has the wrong person for the job. But if He’s sure, who am I to argue? I’m going to take the slow measured steps to fall in line and do what He says.

Not here by mistake
No luck only grace
I’m on my way to
Who I am

 

Perfection vs. Progress

Being a part of this One Word 2011 campaign has easily been one of the best things to have happened to me this year. Granted, the year just started, but I really feel like this will shape my entire year.

I’ve struggled with why I never do so well with resolutions and some of the goals I set. I know all about SMART goals and I plan accordingly for all of it, but I always fail at some point and just wonder why I bothered. Let’s rewind to a a few days ago. My little brother Phoenix made a resolution to give up fast food. very ambitious, but very easy to do right? Not even a week later he’s eating a Double Double from In & Out burger. I teased him about it of course, but after awhile he starts beating himself up about it. At this point, I tweet some amazing wisdom that had to come directly from God as I don’t think I’m capable of such pinpoint wisdom:  ”…it’s about progress and not perfection.

As soon as I sent that tweet, I did a double take. God assured me that message was for me too.

So during this consecration period, I’ve really been wondering what is the difference and why the two are seemingly confused so often. Then I came across this golden gem in my daily reading:

Let your eyes look straight ahead and your sight be focused in front of you. – Proverbs 4:25 (GWT)

God explained the difference to me lightning quick and solved one of the great problems in my life: Perfection stops and looks back at it’s accomplishment; progress keeps looking forward. In other words, perfection has an ending point while progress is infinite. When we try and achieve something from a perfectionate (yes, I just invented a new word) standpoint, when we accomplish it we see it as the end. And if we don’t accomplish it, we don’t try again because “we didn’t make it”.  When we try to achieve something from a progressive standpoint, then we settle down and get ready for the long haul. We understand that there will be stops and starts, long stretches and even longer delays. But we never stop. We might achieve a goal along the way which is great. But each goal is merely a stepping stone, and not the destination itself.

Perfection doesn’t allow any flexibility, there’s no leeway. It’s either black or white, no gray area. But progress is all about…well progress! It’s about giving you room to grow, and to smooth rough edges no matter how long it takes.

I’m so grateful that God gave me this revelation through such a simple word. I just know that things will never be the same. And I’m glad for it.

 

Progress

I had trouble picking my word for this year. Little did I realize that God has chosen it for me.

If you haven’t already, please get familiar with the #OneWord2011 campaign. Click the button on the right hand side of this blog, and you’ll be connected to hundreds of people who have taken up the challenge to let this year be summed up not by resolutions, but by a single word.

As I’ve read the words and stories of others, I have been invaluably inspired in my own journey. As I started reading the One Word of others, I felt as if I had maybe chosen the wrong word. Did I choose progress the verb or progress the noun? Or should I have just chosen something else instead? But then I looked up the definitions and laughed out loud.

Progress (n.) a movement toward a goal or to a further or higher stage / (v.) to grow or develop, as in complexity, scope, or severity; advance

Jesus picked out exactly what I needed. I’m crushed, but thankful.

As I mentioned before, last  year was a wasted year. The first half of my 20s were wasted more or less. And now that I’m 26, older and slightly wiser, I’m ready to redeem the time. I’m ready to progress. I’m ready to achieve progress. This is the perfect word for me.

 

 

One Word

With so many words to choose from for this year, there is one that seems most appropriate: progress.

I don’t deal with progress well. If something is going to happen, then I feel it should happen right away or not at all. Call it a symptom of my microwave generation. With everything so instantaneous and immediate, shouldn’t God be working on the same timeline? I mean I was mad at the microwave for taking too long to heat my food today!

But God doesn’t work on my timeline, and nor should he. God is very precise, very methodical, very progressive. God doesn’t waste any time, and he doesn’t make any mistakes.

But the Lord’s plans stand firm forever; his intentions can never be shaken. – Psalm 33:11 (NLT)

Transitioning from your own timeline to God’s timeline is brutal. It takes a lot of courage, a lot of patience, and a lot of faith. It’s something I struggle with daily. But as Frederick Douglass so elegantly stated: “Without struggle, there is no progress.”

I really want to make progress this year, and not just marginal progress. I want to make life-sustaining progress that propels my walk with Christ and everything that I do. I want my progress to fuel someone’s progress. I want my progress to be contagious and long-lasting, not just an empty resoultion.

It’s going to hurt, and I know that I can’t do it alone. But as long as there are some like-minded people walking this journey of Faith with me, I know that progress will be attainable.

Progress is my One Word for 2011. What’s yours?