12 Days: Lesson Learned

It’s been awhile troopers! I really should’ve written something since the Thanksgiving Debacle (which indeed got worse, but that’s a story I won’t share), but I was just too drained and uninspired.

But seeing as we’re rounding the corner to my birthday, now seemed an appropriate time to begin self-reflection. So I’ll be counting down the days until my birthday with semi great anecdotes about the journey I’ve made this year. So here are the 12 things I learned this year:

1. Progress isn’t always fun, but it’s always necessary. At the beginning of the year, I signed up for the #OneWord2011 challenge, and my word was progress. It was incredible to see how this simple concept was woven through my life this year. I’ve made a lot of progress and a lot of it was terrifying, but I’m certainly wiser and stronger from it.

2. It’s okay to have boundaries. I never knew how important boundaries were until I read a book, appropriately titled “Boundaries”. More importantly, I saw the improper boundaries I had and how it was harming me.

3. Dysfunction is never okay. See the last post.

4. I’m actually kinda beautiful. And by “kinda”, I mean, “really.” I can’t even begin to explain what a big deal it is for me to acknowledge that. I’ve always struggled with self esteem and confidence, but this year both seem to be on the rebound.

5. Christians can be quite silly. I just don’t understand us sometimes. We can get all up in arms about things that really don’t matter (see: Morton, PJ), but we don’t tend to have that same righteous indignation over things that actually matter. And I realize I’m painting with a broad brushstroke which I usually hate, but it seems apropos in this case because we are all guilty of it.

6. Good music is still being made, you just have to know where to find it. see B. Reith, Heath McNease & Playdough, Allen Stone, Gungor, etc. I’ve heard so much great music that would never be played on the radio, and I’m quite okay with that. I’m done railing against the radio companies and bemoaning the death of music. The music that’s popular now is because a ton of people like it. If they wanna like what I think is wack music, more power to them. I’ll stick to what I like and keep discovering more.

7. Black really doesn’t crack, and for that I praise God. I’ve had more people ask me if I was in high school this year than when I was actually in high school. It makes my heart happy. If I still get questions like that once I hit 35 I shall dougie every time.

8. Speaking of dougies, there really is nothing new under the sun. Although that declaration from Solomon makes me wonder if someone did the Cat Daddy in his day. I don’t doubt it at all. In 2012 I’m gonna “create” some dances and see if they catch on. When something good happens to you next year and you break out the Double Dutch, you’re welcome lol

9. It’s good to have ambitious goals. Ambitious goals force you to stretch in unimaginable ways. This year, I made a goal to read 100 books this year. I’m as voracious a read as they come but 100 books seemed quite impossible. But I really tried this year. As of today I’m at 80, and I’m pretty sure I’m not gonna crank out 20 books in 12 days. Maybe 3? But had I not set that goal, I don’t think I even would’ve read 20 books this year. I will continue to set ambitious goals and push myself.

10. Your inner circle says so much about you. I can’t tell you how much I’ve had that thought beaten into me this year, but it is absolutely true. I look at the inner circle I had just 5 years ago, and it becomes clear as day why I was such an idiot. Now I’m in a much stronger place and my inner circle is to thank.

11. On a related note, there’s nothing wrong with having an inner circle. I really like keeping people at a distance. This is good because it keeps people from harming you. The bad thing is, it keeps people from helping you too. I’ve really learned to let my guard down and let some people in. And I’ve maintained a way to keep some people out.

12. If you don’t start none, there won’t be none. I’ve learned that this weekend after listening to the Hip Hop Prez give the commencement speech this weekend at TSU. I’ve had so many great ideas that I let go to waste through fear and insecurity, and because of that I have nothing to show for my life. So now I am more determined to take leaps of faith. The worst is that I fail, and learn something right? Best case scenario is that I can actually succeed. Those sound like good terms to me now.

Great lessons I’ve learned this year, and I’m ready to learn more next year. What have you learned this year?

 

Thankful

Despite the title being very apropos for the season, and even though I LOVE the track with Jonny Lang and Michael McDonald, this won’t be quite the happy message.

As much as I’ve traveled, I’ve learned to be ready for anything and to realize that every trip serves some purpose other than me getting out of Tennessee. The current leg of this trip has done as much to reveal myself to me as it has done to reveal others to me. And for that I’m truly thankful because I can see the progress I’ve made over the past year…and still see how jacked up I am. I still need a lot of work done, but I’m glad that Jesus is as committed to the process as I am, if not more so.

But what if someone isn’t committed to the process? How does that work then? I’m currently visiting family in Arizona and seeing their relationship has brought that question to my mind. The relationship is just so dysfunctional that it affects everything around them. Me in particular. While this has not been my worst trip ever, it is definitely in the top two. It’s been so terrible that I’m changing my flight so I can go to Denver four days earlier. There have been some fun spots, but mostly it’s just anger, tension, and strongholds being revealed. We prayed as a family a few days ago and things seemed better for maybe a day. And then the other day, I actually felt tormented! I felt so burdened and hurt and I could truly sense the spiritual stronghold that seemingly has free reign. Last night at church, I thought of the evil spirit that came back to a clean house and left to get some homeboys and come back and start wildin out. That’s how it’s been feeling for the past few days, and it boggles my mind that I’m the only one who feels it. But then again, when you have the attitude that changes the culture and creates the environment of your home, you probably won’t notice it because it feels normal.

Dysfunction is NEVER normal.

That isn’t to say that there won’t be periods of dysfunction, but dysfunction should never feel comfortable setting up shop where you live.

So what do you do? I’ve prayed, I’ve fasted, I’ve given counsel. And I feel like it’s all for naught. As a single person, I am in NO WAY qualified to give marital counsel. I can give common sense counsel, but that’s about it. Even then, what good is offering advice if the person doesn’t heed it? A lyric that’s been playing over and over in my mind is “Truth is deadly when it’s not applied.”

I can only do so much, and that lesson has hit home. After awhile, I can only go back and focus on me. So that’s why I’m leaving early. The Alexis of last year would tell herself to stick it out, and just stay. But thankfully the Alexis of this year has established boundaries of what behavior is and isn’t acceptable, and how much of it she shall tolerate. (Aside, talking in 3rd person is kinda cool, no matter how pretentious it sounds. But I digress…) But seriously, there was a certain time this year where I just made up my mind and established boundaries for how much I was going to tolerate, especially when it came to dysfunction, drama, and overall craziness. Once I made that my prayer and actually started enforcing those boundaries, people suddenly became displaced or even removed from my life. Don’t think that I believe in burning bridges, because I really don’t, but I’m not gonna use it as much if it’s not in my best interests.

I’ve made a lot of progress with that in my life. This time has also made me oh so glad that I’m single. If anything, this all has reinforced how I should be content in my singleness and keep my mind on Kingdom business. So I will make the most of things today, tomorrow, and Friday morning. And then the second half of my vacation will commence, and for that I am truly thankful.

 

Where I Belong

“…but I’m not sentimental, this skin and bones is a rental…and no one makes it out alive…

Why does Switchfoot’s albums always jack me up? As I write this, it is 4:25am and I have been up for about 2 hours. Just reading, praying, crying, listening…and not in that order. Since I could not go back to sleep at 2:34am, I assumed God wanted to talk since my world was perfectly quiet.

So I listened.

He brought something I said roughly 10 years ago to remembrance. Way back when before I gave my life to Christ, I absolutely loved The Messenger starring Millard Jovivich. I was talking toma friend about how I was drawn to the movie and how I felt similar to Joan of Arc. “So you think you’re gonna be burned at the stake?” he asked me kiddingly. I laughed. “haha no,” I said, “but I feel like I’ll be tried for my faith.”

I was taken aback. I mean, why after all this time, would I remember such a thing at 3 in the morning? So I prayed. Was this a self-fulfilling prophecy? Am I really gonna be tried and martyred, or will I merely be tried in the court of public opinion? What does this all mean?

I am answered with silence. I cry.

I tell myself to snap out of it, and I listen to Switchfoot’s new album and eat a cheeseburger…at 3:45-ish. Somedays my life simply makes no sense.

This body is not my home, this world is not my own…
On the day I die, I wanna hold my head up high, I wanna tell you that I tried…

“Where I Belong” fades out and I cry some more. The worst thing bout being an introvert is that if something bothers me, I will continue to hash it out and think it over obsessively until something makes sense. This is where I fear I will be most of the day, but I feel that understanding will be elusive if just for today.

 

Playback

So this post was (eventually) going to be talking about the new-ish Collie Buddz EP Playback and how I love it. But now it’s turned into my exploration behind a depressing epiphany that thesong produced. So while I’m a little mad at Collie Buddz (and George Michael too) right now for inadvertedly hurting my feelings, I still love the EP. Click here to download it for free at his website. 

The closer I draw to age 30, the more apprehensive I feel. Some days I have effusive excitement at the idea of entering into a new decade of life. But mostly, I just fear dread. I blame (most of) the dread on this:

If you're between 23-31 (and even if you're not), go buy this movie at Amazon.com for 3 bucks.

Due to being super pretentious in undergrad, I bought this movie online so I could look cool and cultured. Little did I know that it would provide some major foreshadowing  in my life right about now. To sum it up rather hastily, L’Ultimo Bacio (or The Last Kiss) is about a group of friends who are quite apprehensive about getting older and are going through it in very different ways. One couple is expecting a child and they’re freaking out. One couple is on the verge of divorce. One guy is so overcome by ‘the one who got away’ that he’s planning to leave everything behind. And one guy pursues a hedonistic lifestyle just because he can. When lamenting the current state of their lives, one of the guys, Paolo,  says to his friends while plotting his escape, “We’re not 20 anymore, but luckily we’re not 40 yet so we can still do this.” The crux of entering or being in your thirties is the most simple basis of the coming-of-age movies because the fear of that crux is very palpable. Why?

Because around 30 we HAVE to grow up. By 30 you have your life plans or your life plans it for you.

Being in your 20′s is great because you get to be viewed as an adult, but you get a lot of leeway with mistakes as if you’re still a teen. Because while you’re technically an adult, you don’t really know what you’re doing. So you spend your 20′s figuring it out. That’s what that whole decade is there for right? So you can be crazy, travel, “find yourself” and figure things out before you’re 30. Once you’re 30 you should have all of that foolishness out of your system and be ready to be a productive member of society. At 30 you truly leave those childish things behind…right?

Well, I’m about to be 27 at the end of the year and after that I’ll be in the final stretch towards 30. And I’m petrified because I still don’t have things quite figured out and I don’t have the patience to keep exploring the dead ends of my 20′s.  Here’s what I know to be true: I’ll most likely be called Dr. Alexis before I hit 30. I don’t wanna live in Clarksville anymore. Maybe even Tennessee. Here’s what I know is out of reach right now: A steady job that I love and that pays decently.  A love that’s like a soundtrack. A great relationship with a dude who is witty, may or may not play guitar, and will think of me when he hears “Playback.” Everything else I can’t even fathom right now.

As a habitual worrier, the prospect of approaching 30 worries me greatly. So many questions pop up and I have no answers for them: Will being “Dr. Alexis” pay off the student loans quickly? Why did I ever want to be married at 22? Will I be married by 32? If I don’t travel and explore before I’m 30, will I ever do it? While I’m not steadily plotting my escape like Paolo, I still jot down escape routes from time to time. More than anything, I want to be able to look back at my 20′s and see definite progress, and not a permanent holding pattern.

I wish there was a way to tie this post into a nice little bow, but I just don’t have it in me right now. Hopefully the next time I have a song on repeat, it’ll be for happier reasons.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

With a Little Help from My Friends

Joe Cocker is the man. On a side note, I need the powers that be to go ahead and put The Wonder Years on DVD. Work out the licensing issues already! 

I don’t know why I write a (seemingly) brilliant blog post, and then disappear of the map for 3 weeks. As you all know, consistency has never been my strong suit, but I’m working on it.

Today, however, I have no brilliant words, just a plea for help.

My mother and I are trying to start a nonprofit organization that works with public housing residents. This dream has been years in the making and being so close to fruition is both exciting and exasperating.  I love the fact that I’m working to create a job for myself (and eventually 5-7 other people), but the fact that it’s just beyond reach can be deflating at times. But I’m not distressed. I’ve given too much of my money (what little I had anyway), my time, and my prayers to see this dream die. This is why I’m swallowing my pride and asking for help.

We have a page set up to accept donations for our fund. Whether you wanna give $1, $10, $10,000, every little dollar helps and will be more than appreciated.  It will go towards the nonprofit paperwork, office supplies, and to provide me with a partial reimbursement, among other things. I’m really believing God will use this organization for great things. I’m putting all my trust in Him, but sometimes I do waver. I fall into my natural habit of worrying, and then I feel Jesus giving me that righteous side-eye, telling me, “Have we still not learned?” God, I really am trying. So consider this one of many, many steps of faith.

For more information, check out our GoFundMe page.

 

The Best Day Ever

So call me SpongeBob because I just had the best day ever.

God’s love for me is quite unnerving. I do not and will not ever understand it. The past couple of weeks I’ve been wandering from God. I’ve been dealing with a lot of insecurity and it overtook my relationship with Him. I didn’t talk to Him, not because I didn’t want to. On the contrary, I did want to talk to God, and often. But I questioned why God would want to talk to me, and so the conversation never took place. I remember several days last week where God woke me up at 4:00, 4:30, 5:00 AM and I could feel Him pressing me as if saying, “Hey, I do want to talk to you! Let’s talk!” But I felt too ashamed, too lowly. So I would read the Bible, feel even lower, and go back to sleep. If I could make money on my ability to keep God at a distance, I would be set for life.

But yesterday, everything shifted so subtly, I feel like the trajectory of my life has been permanently changed.

Sometimes we can hear so much about the character of God that it renders us numb. How often do we hear and talk about God’s mercy, His lovingkindness, His grace? It is easy for us to hear it so much that it loses its impact. And when something loses its impact, we often miss the chance to experience it fully. This whole time I’ve been experiencing God’s grace, mercy, and unfailing love, but I’ve missed it because I’ve been more impacted by my insecurity than God’s security.  Even as I type this I am crying because I’m so overwhelmed by God’s love for me. Yesterday He sent confirmation after confirmation that He’s looking out for me. If God talked to me as candidly as I think He would, He would say to me very sardonically, “Hey Alexis, I don’t know if you know this, but I’m pretty brilliant. I’m not sayin, I’m just sayin. I see what you’re going through and I got you. So just relax.”

The Katinas confirmed this exact thought when during the middle of their set, they threw out this nugget:

“God didn’t call you to understand, He called you to trust.”

And with that perfect segue in place, let me describe the awesomeness of the concert last night. From start to finish, the concert was fantastic. Quimi started off the show and as she went into her set, I looked at my friend Kasey and said, “Am I listening to a Lauryn Hill song at church?” I knew from then that this show would not disappoint. Quimi’s Spanish breakdown brought back memories of Selena. She was just adorable. If I were not a broke college student, I would’ve bought her album on iTunes right on the spot. (Aside: Every church should have free wi-fi so that I may live tweet everything. The world would be a better place)

After Quimi was B. Reith and I was delirously giddy. Listening to Kasey harmonize to everything was fantastic. Another aside: In my row were my friends Liz, Rasheda, Kasey and Jamika. Out of the 5 of us, I am hands down the worst singer. What most don’t know is I could be a halfway decent alto if I actually tried. Listening to our row sing during the night was fantastic. We would simultaneously sing unison and then break down into 3 and 4-part harmonies. It made my heart happy. But I digress.

If you’ve followed this blog for any amount of time, you know how I feel about B. Reith. I’ve followed him since way back when and I’ve always admired him. The fact that he lived so close to me and I hadn’t met him until last night proves God’s love for me. Had we met sooner I would’ve been a total spaz, and God would’ve looked down upon me, raised an eyebrow and shook His head. But B. Reith couldn’t have been any more charming (and disarming for that matter), and after a few seconds, I felt like I was catching up with an old friend. That Kasey got to put her PR/Agent hat on and plant a seed for a future work was an extra bonus.

The Katinas came out and headlined the show. It was just incredible. I was an only child for 13 years, and my little brother is himself growing up as an only child in Jacksonville. Seeing the brothers on stage and watching the videos about their family, I felt such a yearning, like I had been missing out on something. It made me realize why I clutch onto so many relationships at my church and why I have a ton of Godbrothers and Godsisters. There is just something about family that is so fulfilling. And when Jesus Christ is in the middle of that family, it is infinitely better. Overall, it made me that much more grateful for my family in Christ. There are so many people searching for love, for acceptance, for safety, and I get to experience these things EVERY DAY through Christ and through His people. It’s indescribable.

Leaving that concert, it made me want to cherish my relationships with those close to me even more, and it challenged me to create new relationships, to provide love, provide acceptance, and provide safety for people who don’t know Jesus, and who are searching for Him in their own way.

So now today begins a new day, and a new outlook.  My One Word for 2011 has been progress, and I know that I’m achieving progress, slowly but ever so surely. I feel like I’ve finally turned a corner, and I’m no longer anxious about what’s around the corner. I hate feeling so weak in not knowing what’s ahead, but it’s when I’m weak that He’s brilliant. And I couldn’t be anymore grateful.

 

Something’s Missing

I can’t be sure that this state of mind, is not of my own design
I wish there was an over the counter test, for loneliness.

As Pastor John [Mayer] so adequately put it. Something’s missing, and I don’t know how to fix it. In fact let’s back up a bit: Something’s missing, and I’m not quite sure what it is. It can all be pinpointed, however, to this book:

Now and Not Yet: Purchase on Amazon.com

I purchased this book at LifeWay extremely by happenstance. (I blame Tim Tebow. Had I not seen his picture outside of the store, I wouldn’t have thrown the car into park and run in to pick up his book and look around, but I digress.) I needed some new reading material and the book look interesting, so I grabbed it.

The next day, my dad and I are talking about how he’s gonna bounce back from his sickness, so he could be around for me and my brother for a long time, and for “whenever I decide to give [him] grandkids.” I stress that the whole grandkids ordeal is still a ways away, and that I kinda need a husband first so kindly pump the breaks. A while later, I’m talking to an Aunt who talks to me about my career choices and how if I want to have children I need to do so soon because, “that clock is ticking.”

I wanted to slam my head against the wall.

I have just gotten over this overwhelming need for companionship, and all of a sudden those feelings of want start encroaching again. It’s not that I’ve ever lost the desire to get married because that’s clearly not the case, but the desire hasn’t been all encompassing. So after coming back home from vacation, I start reading the book and am stunned by all the feelings that are starting to surface.

Starting next week, I’m going to break down a chapter of the book every few days and publically process everthing I’m feeling. I’m sure lots of people can relate and help me sort this stuff out. But now I’m fighting feelings of loneliness (however fleeting they are), anger, and disappointment. I’m more disappointed than anything, and at a variety of factors. I’m disappointed in the culture in which I’ve grown up, that has esteemed marriage as one of the major goals of life that I should attain by such and such date. I’m disappointed in the church for fostering and encouraging these feelings that marriage should happen soon, without really prepping me for how to enjoy my singleness. Or even worse, hold up any interaction I have with a guy into some examination on my feelings for the guy and vice versa and making lame jokes like, “Oh…Alexis is talking to Cortland Finnegan, I see what she’s doin!”

Pause. Time for an aside. I need a new placeholder name for any guy I may or may not be interested in or find attractive. I can’t use Cortland’s name anymore now that he’s married. It’s just too weird. I want to substitute Cortland for my new musical crush Heath McNease, but that seems a tad bit too weird. I need the name of someone crush-worthy who doesn’t know I exist. Idris Elba perhaps?  Feel free to kick in some suggestions. K, end aside.

I’m disappointed in my immediate family for not providing a healthy example of what marriage should be. I mean, girls are taught from a young age to desire marriage and motherhood, but when you grow up in a broken home and have nothing to encourage you but cheesy movies, what is it that they’re really being taught to desire?

For now, my feelings are a jumbled chaotic mess that only God Himself can understand. But I’m hoping over time He can help me figure it out to and help me to fix it.

I’m most disappointed in myself for not using enough common sense when I was younger to be more perceptive and realistic with my past relationships. I unwisely bought into popular culture’s idea of how relationships should work and have paid the price. I have given away a lot of time, energy, emotions, money, you name it to dudes who have really left no lasting impact on my life, unless you include the baggage and scar tissue that I’m still dealing with years later. (I have no doubts that I left them with equal amounts of baggage, but the self-flagellation tendencies of mine make me certain that they’ve gotten over it already while I obviously haven’t.) I feel like the foolishness of my past romantic pursuits have left me lacking and off-course.

 

Here We Go

The past few weeks have been a great turning point for me. I truly feel like I’m starting to turn the corner from a mundane life to a life that is, well at this point, less mundane. New paths are being forged, relationships are being restored (and created), and the little things that previously seemed asinine are starting to take on greater significance.

I couldn’t be more excited.

I also couldn’t be more apprehensive.

It’s going to be a great ride either way. I’m determined to go through this new phase with no regrets. After all, Jesus is totally bigger than any regret I could ever have, so why shouldn’t I take any chances? Calculated chances I mean, not stupid ones.

So as I begin to undergo new scary exciting changes, this blog shall do the same. Well, hopefully there will be no scary changes but i make no guarantees. Different layout, more music that requires you to #getfamiliar, more of my crazy dialogues with God that leaves me bewildered, more of my family, good and bad. Overall, just more of me.

Hope you’re ready, troopers.

Let’s go.

 

Love and Peace or Else

I LOVE me some U2. I’m a much bigger fan of their earlier work (War is their best album. Yeah I said it. Joshua Tree is a close second. Yeah, I said that too), their newer music continues to inspire me.

After writing yesterday’s blog post, all of these emotions sat so densely on my heart, it was nearly suffocating. As I went into my devotional time this morning, I was completely unsure what to expect. But I was expecting something. And boy oh boy did God deliver. He pulled a Bernie Mac and punched me right in the throat. It was hard to breathe, hard to function. It just sucked in every way possible.

And all because He wanted me to make peace.

I’ve been watching Crosspoint’s series “Anything but Ordinary” this week as my devotional study and it’s just been on point. But the lesson I watched today. Oh goodness…

Have you ever been dealing with something someone did to you and God nails you as if you did something? I literally paused the podcast and said this to God:

It was so perfect how God nailed me it was nearly absurd. But as I watched the podcast, God was exposing some things in my life I thought I was really over, and some new things I hadn’t realized were there. I’m very laid back and I abhor confrontation. When something goes down, if I don’t think it’s really worth getting into, I’ll bite my tongue and walk away to keep the peace. Because that’s what we’re supposed to do right? Apparently, not so much. Keeping the peace is so radically different from making peace, and avoiding confrontation hinders us from reconciling relationships.

As right as I feel in how my stepmom treats me, it isn’t about being right. It’s about being reconciled. It’s hard to mend those frayed lines of communication if I keep ignoring them. So I’m going to try again. I’m going to reach out to her and do my part to fix things. What happens after that really isn’t up to me, and that’s the scary thing. Something so powerful that was taught in the podcast is that peace making is not the same as peace achieving. Despite any grand peace making effort I put forth, we might not be ever fully reconciled. How crazy is that? But it’s life. So as scary as it is, I have to take that leap of faith and reach out again. Que sera, sera, right?

 

I Am

I’ve really been meaning to do a album review on Kirk Franklin’s “Hello Fear.” I just haven’t gotten around to it. I think the album is way too heavy in my life for me to express into words. Just trust me when I say that you need to cop it. Post haste.

I’ve really been fighting against God the past few weeks. He’s been showing me upcoming pit stops along my path and it’s terrifying. As Lemon so eloquently put it, I am both excited and overwhelmed.  God has been calling me to a new level of leadership and responsibility and instead of buckling down and putting in the work to get there, I’ve been panicking. I feel like I’m not ready and I’m struggling to get there.

I’m approaching my 10th spiritual birthday in about 5 months’ time. I look back over these past ten years very bittersweetly. As much as this year is about #progress, it is all exacerbated by the lack of productiveness over my spiritual life. I remember when I first joined the church, looking around at all of the people I wanted to be like. “I hope I can be like Lemon, like Nia, like Tammy, like _______.” I remembering pinpointing specific things about different people that I wanted to emulate as I grew older. This wasn’t just me, but I feel like all of my peers had the same aspirations: to impact the younger kids as much as we were impacted my the older adults. Fast forward 10 years, and with a few people notwithstanding, I think we’re nowhere close to the “level of achievement” as our preceding generation. God’s really been dealing with me about this and it’s to the point where I’m ignoring Him. I really don’t mean to, but the level of disappointment in myself is almost beyond reproach.

I know that my spiritual growth has been stunted so much, I might as well be celebrating my 5th spiritual birthday. As scared as I am about what’s ahead, I’m ready to redeem the time. Sometimes when we’re on the path to #progress, we have to take a few detours and re-learn some things. This latest lesson in “How to Get Out of Your Own Way” is both irritatingly redundant and absolutely necessary. The fact that Tyrese keeps tweeting about this same thing is both ironic and annoying. I still might cop his book though. But I digress.

Where God is trying to take me is really mystifying. I am constantly sure that He has the wrong person for the job. But if He’s sure, who am I to argue? I’m going to take the slow measured steps to fall in line and do what He says.

Not here by mistake
No luck only grace
I’m on my way to
Who I am