With a Little Help from My Friends

Joe Cocker is the man. On a side note, I need the powers that be to go ahead and put The Wonder Years on DVD. Work out the licensing issues already! 

I don’t know why I write a (seemingly) brilliant blog post, and then disappear of the map for 3 weeks. As you all know, consistency has never been my strong suit, but I’m working on it.

Today, however, I have no brilliant words, just a plea for help.

My mother and I are trying to start a nonprofit organization that works with public housing residents. This dream has been years in the making and being so close to fruition is both exciting and exasperating.  I love the fact that I’m working to create a job for myself (and eventually 5-7 other people), but the fact that it’s just beyond reach can be deflating at times. But I’m not distressed. I’ve given too much of my money (what little I had anyway), my time, and my prayers to see this dream die. This is why I’m swallowing my pride and asking for help.

We have a page set up to accept donations for our fund. Whether you wanna give $1, $10, $10,000, every little dollar helps and will be more than appreciated.  It will go towards the nonprofit paperwork, office supplies, and to provide me with a partial reimbursement, among other things. I’m really believing God will use this organization for great things. I’m putting all my trust in Him, but sometimes I do waver. I fall into my natural habit of worrying, and then I feel Jesus giving me that righteous side-eye, telling me, “Have we still not learned?” God, I really am trying. So consider this one of many, many steps of faith.

For more information, check out our GoFundMe page.

 

I Am

I’ve really been meaning to do a album review on Kirk Franklin’s “Hello Fear.” I just haven’t gotten around to it. I think the album is way too heavy in my life for me to express into words. Just trust me when I say that you need to cop it. Post haste.

I’ve really been fighting against God the past few weeks. He’s been showing me upcoming pit stops along my path and it’s terrifying. As Lemon so eloquently put it, I am both excited and overwhelmed.  God has been calling me to a new level of leadership and responsibility and instead of buckling down and putting in the work to get there, I’ve been panicking. I feel like I’m not ready and I’m struggling to get there.

I’m approaching my 10th spiritual birthday in about 5 months’ time. I look back over these past ten years very bittersweetly. As much as this year is about #progress, it is all exacerbated by the lack of productiveness over my spiritual life. I remember when I first joined the church, looking around at all of the people I wanted to be like. “I hope I can be like Lemon, like Nia, like Tammy, like _______.” I remembering pinpointing specific things about different people that I wanted to emulate as I grew older. This wasn’t just me, but I feel like all of my peers had the same aspirations: to impact the younger kids as much as we were impacted my the older adults. Fast forward 10 years, and with a few people notwithstanding, I think we’re nowhere close to the “level of achievement” as our preceding generation. God’s really been dealing with me about this and it’s to the point where I’m ignoring Him. I really don’t mean to, but the level of disappointment in myself is almost beyond reproach.

I know that my spiritual growth has been stunted so much, I might as well be celebrating my 5th spiritual birthday. As scared as I am about what’s ahead, I’m ready to redeem the time. Sometimes when we’re on the path to #progress, we have to take a few detours and re-learn some things. This latest lesson in “How to Get Out of Your Own Way” is both irritatingly redundant and absolutely necessary. The fact that Tyrese keeps tweeting about this same thing is both ironic and annoying. I still might cop his book though. But I digress.

Where God is trying to take me is really mystifying. I am constantly sure that He has the wrong person for the job. But if He’s sure, who am I to argue? I’m going to take the slow measured steps to fall in line and do what He says.

Not here by mistake
No luck only grace
I’m on my way to
Who I am

 

[Music Video] Jimmy Needham – Grace Amazing

So I love, Love, LOVE me some Jimmy Needham. He performed here over the summer and he was great. Humble, funny, and ever so self-depreciating, he vaulted to the shortlist of my favorite singers ever. And when I get married, I will be walking down the aisle to “Unfailing Love,” mark my words.

Grace Amazing is one of my favorite songs from Nightlights, so when I heard there was gonna be a video I was very excited. The video did not disappoint. AT ALL. The video is clever and well executed. I got excited near the end once everything came together and it made me really reflect on how God’s grace is indeed amazing.  Check the video. Post haste.

 

Progress

I had trouble picking my word for this year. Little did I realize that God has chosen it for me.

If you haven’t already, please get familiar with the #OneWord2011 campaign. Click the button on the right hand side of this blog, and you’ll be connected to hundreds of people who have taken up the challenge to let this year be summed up not by resolutions, but by a single word.

As I’ve read the words and stories of others, I have been invaluably inspired in my own journey. As I started reading the One Word of others, I felt as if I had maybe chosen the wrong word. Did I choose progress the verb or progress the noun? Or should I have just chosen something else instead? But then I looked up the definitions and laughed out loud.

Progress (n.) a movement toward a goal or to a further or higher stage / (v.) to grow or develop, as in complexity, scope, or severity; advance

Jesus picked out exactly what I needed. I’m crushed, but thankful.

As I mentioned before, last  year was a wasted year. The first half of my 20s were wasted more or less. And now that I’m 26, older and slightly wiser, I’m ready to redeem the time. I’m ready to progress. I’m ready to achieve progress. This is the perfect word for me.

 

 

One Word

With so many words to choose from for this year, there is one that seems most appropriate: progress.

I don’t deal with progress well. If something is going to happen, then I feel it should happen right away or not at all. Call it a symptom of my microwave generation. With everything so instantaneous and immediate, shouldn’t God be working on the same timeline? I mean I was mad at the microwave for taking too long to heat my food today!

But God doesn’t work on my timeline, and nor should he. God is very precise, very methodical, very progressive. God doesn’t waste any time, and he doesn’t make any mistakes.

But the Lord’s plans stand firm forever; his intentions can never be shaken. – Psalm 33:11 (NLT)

Transitioning from your own timeline to God’s timeline is brutal. It takes a lot of courage, a lot of patience, and a lot of faith. It’s something I struggle with daily. But as Frederick Douglass so elegantly stated: “Without struggle, there is no progress.”

I really want to make progress this year, and not just marginal progress. I want to make life-sustaining progress that propels my walk with Christ and everything that I do. I want my progress to fuel someone’s progress. I want my progress to be contagious and long-lasting, not just an empty resoultion.

It’s going to hurt, and I know that I can’t do it alone. But as long as there are some like-minded people walking this journey of Faith with me, I know that progress will be attainable.

Progress is my One Word for 2011. What’s yours?

 

Lord of the Breakthrough

I love Israel Houghton. Period.

This month has started off so much better than I could possibly imagine. I am drunk with happiness. Last year, I was praying that God would make 2010 better. 2009 was so epically awful that I just new 2010 would be equal in its awesomeness. For the first 9 months, I wondered if God ever heard my message.  Of course, this was all my fault for thinking that God worked by my timeline. He doesn’t! And I should know better! But some lessons take longer to learn than others. While this year won’t be the rebound that I so desperately hoped for, I am much more content with the process. There is indeed light at the end of the tunnel and I am excited. My project is starting to take shape beyond my wildest expectations, and now I have orientation at my new job next week. God is soooo incredibly faithful. I’m speechless as to how I’m feeling.

I’m so excited for the end of the year, mostly because my mindset has changed on so many things. My thoughts are a lot less selfish, and I not as worried about what I’m going through as opposed to what I can do for other people. My constant prayer of the past few days has simply been this: “God, please keep me humble.” This prayer has undoubtedly been answered as God has been slowly and painfully stripping away my selfish tendencies. Now I’m thinking about things in a radically different way and it is freeing. Stay tuned troopers, because this is just the beginning of newer and greater things.

 

Great Adventure

So I drove to the beach today. On accident. Or at least what I thought was on accident. While us mere mortals have accidents all the time, Jesus has none. That must be pretty dope.

But let’s backtrack a bit.

I’ve been reading Plan B again, but this time as a morning devotional. (It’s 14 chapters and small group questions make for the perfect 2 week devotional.) Yesterday morning’s chapter dealt with fear and God revealed a lot of things that I was just not ready to confront. Going through all of the questions, I identified my most paralyzing fears and the limits they are imposing on my life. One thing that Pete Wilson said really stuck out to me: We don’t really have a fear problem; we have a faith problem. Faith requires so much trust, and trust is something I don’t give out very easily. On the contrary, I give trust very conditionally. Everyone starts out with the smallest measure of faith and as they meet my ever-growing requirements, they get more faith. I see that I have been doing that to God and the notion that I would have the audacity to set conditions upon the Creator of my life is quite overwhelming. I mean who am I?!  So after coming to terms with both my fears and my arrogance, I felt completely at peace. It’s almost as if I’ve finally turned the corner.

Now back to today.

After prayer and devotions, I had the urge for Starbucks. So I packed up my computer and went to the nearest Starbucks. 30 minutes, 1 venti caramel machiatto, and 1 slice of very berry coffee cake later, I was completely content. Watching the traffic, feeling the cool breeze of the early morning, I was at total peace. Then I decided to go back home and see how the day would shape up. Then the adventure happened. For those who don’t know, I have an amazing talent: getting lost. No matter how I plan or use google maps, I always make exactly one wrong turn. Usually I figure my way out, but sometimes I don’t right away. Today was one of those days. Instead of taking a left, I took a right thinking it would loop back around. Well the road never looped back. The road ends and the next thing I know, I’m on I-95 South heading toward Jacksonville Beach. Since I’ve been dying to go to the beach, I shrugged and decided to ride it out, although I wasn’t completely confident in where I was going.

After about 20 or 25 minutes, I finally arrived at the beach. I took off my chucks and my socks and padded my way toward the beach. I’m sure I looked very out of place with my knee-length skirt and black t-shirt walking down the shore with the sun beaming down. But I didn’t mind at all. I took pictures of the birds and of the waves crashing in when I started to walk closer to the ocean. Feeling the cool water wash over me was a great feeling, but I was still a little wary so I kept my distance. While others waded into the water or even swam out to catch a wave, I stayed as far away as possible.  Then I started thinking about yesterday’s devotional. Here was a small but tangible way to but my faith in action. “God is this a pop quiz?” I asked aloud. I was nervous, but I carefully took a few more steps towards the ocean and then stopped.

Once I was semi-comfortable where I was I watched the waves come in and washing over my ankles before subsiding back. Then I felt pushed to travel further out. I know God was nudging me out of my comfort zone but I didn’t like it one bit. But I obeyed and walked out a few feet more. The water came a little bit higher, but I didn’t go anywhere. Then the sand started shifting under my feet. I started to lose my balance, and I literally reached out for help. After I regained my balance, the lesson was reinforced.

There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love. – 1 John 4:18

Fear of the unknown is easily the most paralyzing fear out there. But no matter how much we don’t know, we can rest assured that God knows everything. So if we love and trust Him, then there’s no reason to fear. No matter how much the sand shifted or how much I lost my balance, I didn’t fall and I didn’t incur any harm. God just wants to see if we’re submitted to fear or faith. The only way He’s gonna know is if we decide to take that first step, or to stay on the fringe. For so long I’ve been staying on the sidelines. For me, it was better to succeed on the sidelines then to fail on the field. But now I’m ready to step out on the field and prove my worth. No matter how hard I try, I will fail. Often. But failure isn’t the end; it’s just another step towards the success. The only time failure is the end is when you give up. My steps aren’t firm, but they are determined. This great adventure has taken some crazy twists and turns, but I wouldn’t exchange it for anything.

 

Hostile Gospel

This Talib Kweli song is a beast! The whole Eardrum album is just great. And he spits one of my favorite lines of all time: “If I don’t look like my Father, then the way I live is bastardly.” Word.

For the past “season” or so, God has been working with me on how I view things. And by things, I mean just things, material stuff. For most of my (very brief) adult life, I have always been found wanting. When I was working it was completely my fault because I didn’t know how to manage my money. I became ruled by things. But now that I’m not working, I’m feeling even more frustrated by things, or rather the lack of them. It’s not that I desire anything outlandish, but I’m just tired of not having basic things. Like a car, or a cell phone that doesn’t have to be cut off all the time. I wish I had nicer clothes (or the fabric and patterns to make nicer clothes) and I wish I could be in a better position to help other people. I mean, how can I live up to my name (helper, defender) if I can’t help myself.

Slowly (and painfully) but surely, God is peeling away  my misconceptions and showing me part of the plan. If I’ve never been without, how can I empathize and eventually help those who are constantly without? God is calling me to be more socially proactive, and I’m hindering that call by always wondering about me. While studying the book of James, God’s Word really grabbed my attention and laid plain what He would have me do:

Pure religion and undefiled before God and the Father is this, To visit the fatherless and widows in their affliction, and to keep himself unspotted from the world. -  James 1: 27 KJV

The Message translation says that we should “Reach out to the homeless and loveless in their plight, and guard against corruption from the godless world.” I’ve been doing pretty well at that last part, but the first part…not so much. I can remember spending hours at the Salvation Army helping to answer phones, make food boxes, and spend time with homeless families. There was no greater feeling than being able to relate to them and making the children smile or extending some measure of hope to those who felt hopeless. And this is what we should be doing everyday! But I’ve fallen far short. I’ve been looking at God’s Word as the Hostile Gospel lately because it’s been offending me left and right. I’ve been so angry for being stuck in this Plan B situation, missing the point all along this has been God’s Plan A situation for me. I’ve ignored His promises while mourning my dreams. I’ve been ignoring His words because I thought He wasn’t listening to me.

Oh, but how wonderful it is when you can see clearly. James 1:27 always makes me think of “Kingdom of Heaven” when Liam Neeson gives his dying to speech to Orlando Bloom. He says, “Be without fear in the face of your enemies. Be brave and upright that God may love thee. Speak the truth always, even if it leads to your death. Safeguard the helpless and do no wrong. That is your oath.” Safeguard the helpless. This is where I have been lacking entirely. I have made no effort to safeguard the helpless because I’ve been to busy trying to safeguard myself, usually to no avail. What I’m starting to realize is that when I allow God to use me to safeguard someone else, He will use someone to safeguard me. That’s what community is all about, right? I mean we’re quick to help when there’s a flood or a tornado, or some other devestating crisis. But why can’t we help in our day to day lives? We’re too consumed with chasing the American dream, keeping up with and surpassing the Jones’. But when we get all of these “things”, then what?

Am I saying that we shouldn’t have some level of comfort? No of course not. Everyone should have some nice things to call their own. But we need to have a level of margin in our time and in our finances that we are able to give away without any constraints or worry. I want to be at a level with my personal life and my business that I can have an income cap for myself, and give away everything over that.  I have to be more socially responsible because God demands it of me. I can’t safeguard the helpless if I’m stockpiling things for me. I want to give to the less fortunate, I want to adopt an orphan and raise them in God-fearing, socially responsible home. I want to do more beyond myself. I NEED to do more beyond myself. I’m so thankful now that I can truly take joy in my trials, knowing the outcome will be completely pleasing to God.

 

Power

Just heard Kanye’s new track “Power” and it’s immediately got me thinking. Never thought I’d get a provoking message through his music.  As Toya said a few years back, it’s not the first time God’s used an..well ya know… to talk to man lol.

Came across the link for this new track and being the music nerd I am, I had to listen to it to see what Kanye was bringin…all I can say is well done sir. The production is raw, and I’m loving the sample. But two lyrics stuck out to me, and by “stuck out to me” I mean punched me in the chest and made me pay attention:

I just needed time alone, with my own thoughts
Got treasures in my mind, but couldn’t open up my own vault

That sums me up to a T. I have so much bottled up in me but I can’t get it out because I’m so consumed in other stuff. I haven’t been able to block out some time just to work on my things. It’s so frustrating sometimes. I’m always wondering when can I stop working on other’s things so I can work on my things. Then the last line of the song came up:

You got the power to let power go?

Yeah stop the presses. That’s been my problem for far too long. I’m fighting for control in an increasingly losing battle. I’m starting to learn (the hard way) that the more control I have the more things go wrong. But when I submit myself to God’s control then things fall into place. Which of course makes sense because God doesn’t really need my help with anything. So this fresh perspective is going to help me work on things in a different light. I do have the power to let power go, so I’m gonna let go.

 

Losing My Way

I’m rather disheartened that a Justin Timberlake song could sum up my feelings. But this is a good song, I’ll give him that.

So I’ve been feeling this great disconnect for the past week and it seems to be growing stronger by the day. I have these moments often and they tend to pass fairly quickly, but now it’s not the case. I can’t find my center, I can’t find my place in this jumble of situations I call my life. I’m really struggling to find my way out. What looked like an out just turned out to be a dead end. In this u-turn, I’m feeling increasingly claustraphobic.

It is breaking me down
Watching the world spin round
While my dreams fall down
Is anybody out there?

Any disconnect from people or situations is nothing but a symptom of a disconnection from God. I am completely cognizant of this, but I’m unsure how to move forward. There’s so much going on I feel like I’m drowning. And any minute now Jesus is going to dive in and rescue me. And I’m waiting…waiting…waiting. At this point I’ll be cool if He just throws me a life preserver and points me to dry land. But so far it’s nothing and I am at a loss. Earlier today I just lost all sense of composure when thinking about everything.

Keep losing my way…
Can you help me find my way?

I know things will work out, because they just have to. If I could, I would just get away, just to find a moment’s rest. Reading Psalm 55 showed me that someone understood. Not that I could ever compare myself to David, but still. As I was plotting my escape, God dashed my plans in the most encouraging way:

I will seek that which was lost, and bring again that which was driven away, and will bind up that which was broken, and will strengthen that which was sick… – Ezekiel 34:16

Despite everything that’s going on (or not going on) I know that it’ll all be okay. This will not be a repeat of 2009, for last year was merely the set up for this year. So I’ll repair this disconnection with God’s help, and I’ll press forward. I may have temporarily lost my way, but I’m not afraid to ask for directions.