Get What You Give

Not my favorite Jonny Lang song (that title goes to “Thankful” and “Turn Around”), but it’s still a great song nonetheless. 

On my birthday, I made a conscious effort to give things and not receive. I wanted that to be a stepping stone into how I approach this year, and the rest of my life. I have always considered myself a giving person, but I just wanted to take it to the next level. So on by birthday, I did the following things:

I sponsored this adorable child from World Vision. If I did nothing else, I would feel pretty awesome about myself. Every time I look at her picture or think about her, my heart just swells and I get teary. There is no reason why I can’t give $35 a month to help her and her family work towards a better life. Something on my 30 before 30 list: visit her in Mali.

I bought this awesome Celtics green watch from Hello Somebody. Not only did I get a big awesome watch that I can coordinate with all my Celtics gear (which I am doing right now, woot!), but the majority of the proceeds are going to help a boys’ school in Rwanda. $29 is such a small price to pay to do so much good. If I could, I would buy all of my friends one.

I got my hair did! How was that giving? Firstly, I was giving my fro a much needed break lol. But seriously, my Godmom was only going to charge me $30 because it was my birthday. I didn’t find this out until the next day after I had already paid her. I gave her $200. Why? Because she’s my Godmom and I love her. And beyond that, she deserved it, not just for doing my hair, but for everything that’s she’s done for me. Actually $200 isn’t enough, but it was a start and seeing her appreciation afterwards was more than enough.

For so long, I always gave but with an ulterior motive. Either that or just a poor attitude afterwards.But now I’m trying to give for two reasons: 1) because I have the money to give and 2) because I truly want to. Not to seek out something in return, or to wait for God to open the windows of Heaven and drop a few hundred stacks on me (which, for the record, I’m not opposed to at all). But there is nothing better to give just for giving’s sake and to show people how much they mean to me. Words are nice and are indeed necessary sometimes, but from now on, I want my actions to really reinforce how I’m feeling.

This feels like the start of something wonderful.

 

The Best Day Ever

So call me SpongeBob because I just had the best day ever.

God’s love for me is quite unnerving. I do not and will not ever understand it. The past couple of weeks I’ve been wandering from God. I’ve been dealing with a lot of insecurity and it overtook my relationship with Him. I didn’t talk to Him, not because I didn’t want to. On the contrary, I did want to talk to God, and often. But I questioned why God would want to talk to me, and so the conversation never took place. I remember several days last week where God woke me up at 4:00, 4:30, 5:00 AM and I could feel Him pressing me as if saying, “Hey, I do want to talk to you! Let’s talk!” But I felt too ashamed, too lowly. So I would read the Bible, feel even lower, and go back to sleep. If I could make money on my ability to keep God at a distance, I would be set for life.

But yesterday, everything shifted so subtly, I feel like the trajectory of my life has been permanently changed.

Sometimes we can hear so much about the character of God that it renders us numb. How often do we hear and talk about God’s mercy, His lovingkindness, His grace? It is easy for us to hear it so much that it loses its impact. And when something loses its impact, we often miss the chance to experience it fully. This whole time I’ve been experiencing God’s grace, mercy, and unfailing love, but I’ve missed it because I’ve been more impacted by my insecurity than God’s security.  Even as I type this I am crying because I’m so overwhelmed by God’s love for me. Yesterday He sent confirmation after confirmation that He’s looking out for me. If God talked to me as candidly as I think He would, He would say to me very sardonically, “Hey Alexis, I don’t know if you know this, but I’m pretty brilliant. I’m not sayin, I’m just sayin. I see what you’re going through and I got you. So just relax.”

The Katinas confirmed this exact thought when during the middle of their set, they threw out this nugget:

“God didn’t call you to understand, He called you to trust.”

And with that perfect segue in place, let me describe the awesomeness of the concert last night. From start to finish, the concert was fantastic. Quimi started off the show and as she went into her set, I looked at my friend Kasey and said, “Am I listening to a Lauryn Hill song at church?” I knew from then that this show would not disappoint. Quimi’s Spanish breakdown brought back memories of Selena. She was just adorable. If I were not a broke college student, I would’ve bought her album on iTunes right on the spot. (Aside: Every church should have free wi-fi so that I may live tweet everything. The world would be a better place)

After Quimi was B. Reith and I was delirously giddy. Listening to Kasey harmonize to everything was fantastic. Another aside: In my row were my friends Liz, Rasheda, Kasey and Jamika. Out of the 5 of us, I am hands down the worst singer. What most don’t know is I could be a halfway decent alto if I actually tried. Listening to our row sing during the night was fantastic. We would simultaneously sing unison and then break down into 3 and 4-part harmonies. It made my heart happy. But I digress.

If you’ve followed this blog for any amount of time, you know how I feel about B. Reith. I’ve followed him since way back when and I’ve always admired him. The fact that he lived so close to me and I hadn’t met him until last night proves God’s love for me. Had we met sooner I would’ve been a total spaz, and God would’ve looked down upon me, raised an eyebrow and shook His head. But B. Reith couldn’t have been any more charming (and disarming for that matter), and after a few seconds, I felt like I was catching up with an old friend. That Kasey got to put her PR/Agent hat on and plant a seed for a future work was an extra bonus.

The Katinas came out and headlined the show. It was just incredible. I was an only child for 13 years, and my little brother is himself growing up as an only child in Jacksonville. Seeing the brothers on stage and watching the videos about their family, I felt such a yearning, like I had been missing out on something. It made me realize why I clutch onto so many relationships at my church and why I have a ton of Godbrothers and Godsisters. There is just something about family that is so fulfilling. And when Jesus Christ is in the middle of that family, it is infinitely better. Overall, it made me that much more grateful for my family in Christ. There are so many people searching for love, for acceptance, for safety, and I get to experience these things EVERY DAY through Christ and through His people. It’s indescribable.

Leaving that concert, it made me want to cherish my relationships with those close to me even more, and it challenged me to create new relationships, to provide love, provide acceptance, and provide safety for people who don’t know Jesus, and who are searching for Him in their own way.

So now today begins a new day, and a new outlook.  My One Word for 2011 has been progress, and I know that I’m achieving progress, slowly but ever so surely. I feel like I’ve finally turned a corner, and I’m no longer anxious about what’s around the corner. I hate feeling so weak in not knowing what’s ahead, but it’s when I’m weak that He’s brilliant. And I couldn’t be anymore grateful.

 

So yeah…

…this TOTALLY happened.

This capped off an incredible day where God simultaneously checked me and showed me how much He loves me. Did you know that God is like, crazy brilliant? I knew that too, but sometimes we just need to be reminded.

I’m so overcome with all these crazy emotions that I can’t sit still. But trust that tomorrow I will unveil the full story and process how God is doing crazy things in my life.

Just a thought to leave with you with for a bit: Isn’t it crazy how God can put Himself in impossible situations to prove how brilliant He is? Even crazier is how He allows us to be put into impossible situations just so we have no choice to sit back and watch Him work.

 

Perfection vs. Progress

Being a part of this One Word 2011 campaign has easily been one of the best things to have happened to me this year. Granted, the year just started, but I really feel like this will shape my entire year.

I’ve struggled with why I never do so well with resolutions and some of the goals I set. I know all about SMART goals and I plan accordingly for all of it, but I always fail at some point and just wonder why I bothered. Let’s rewind to a a few days ago. My little brother Phoenix made a resolution to give up fast food. very ambitious, but very easy to do right? Not even a week later he’s eating a Double Double from In & Out burger. I teased him about it of course, but after awhile he starts beating himself up about it. At this point, I tweet some amazing wisdom that had to come directly from God as I don’t think I’m capable of such pinpoint wisdom:  ”…it’s about progress and not perfection.

As soon as I sent that tweet, I did a double take. God assured me that message was for me too.

So during this consecration period, I’ve really been wondering what is the difference and why the two are seemingly confused so often. Then I came across this golden gem in my daily reading:

Let your eyes look straight ahead and your sight be focused in front of you. – Proverbs 4:25 (GWT)

God explained the difference to me lightning quick and solved one of the great problems in my life: Perfection stops and looks back at it’s accomplishment; progress keeps looking forward. In other words, perfection has an ending point while progress is infinite. When we try and achieve something from a perfectionate (yes, I just invented a new word) standpoint, when we accomplish it we see it as the end. And if we don’t accomplish it, we don’t try again because “we didn’t make it”.  When we try to achieve something from a progressive standpoint, then we settle down and get ready for the long haul. We understand that there will be stops and starts, long stretches and even longer delays. But we never stop. We might achieve a goal along the way which is great. But each goal is merely a stepping stone, and not the destination itself.

Perfection doesn’t allow any flexibility, there’s no leeway. It’s either black or white, no gray area. But progress is all about…well progress! It’s about giving you room to grow, and to smooth rough edges no matter how long it takes.

I’m so grateful that God gave me this revelation through such a simple word. I just know that things will never be the same. And I’m glad for it.

 

Progress

I had trouble picking my word for this year. Little did I realize that God has chosen it for me.

If you haven’t already, please get familiar with the #OneWord2011 campaign. Click the button on the right hand side of this blog, and you’ll be connected to hundreds of people who have taken up the challenge to let this year be summed up not by resolutions, but by a single word.

As I’ve read the words and stories of others, I have been invaluably inspired in my own journey. As I started reading the One Word of others, I felt as if I had maybe chosen the wrong word. Did I choose progress the verb or progress the noun? Or should I have just chosen something else instead? But then I looked up the definitions and laughed out loud.

Progress (n.) a movement toward a goal or to a further or higher stage / (v.) to grow or develop, as in complexity, scope, or severity; advance

Jesus picked out exactly what I needed. I’m crushed, but thankful.

As I mentioned before, last  year was a wasted year. The first half of my 20s were wasted more or less. And now that I’m 26, older and slightly wiser, I’m ready to redeem the time. I’m ready to progress. I’m ready to achieve progress. This is the perfect word for me.

 

 

One Word

With so many words to choose from for this year, there is one that seems most appropriate: progress.

I don’t deal with progress well. If something is going to happen, then I feel it should happen right away or not at all. Call it a symptom of my microwave generation. With everything so instantaneous and immediate, shouldn’t God be working on the same timeline? I mean I was mad at the microwave for taking too long to heat my food today!

But God doesn’t work on my timeline, and nor should he. God is very precise, very methodical, very progressive. God doesn’t waste any time, and he doesn’t make any mistakes.

But the Lord’s plans stand firm forever; his intentions can never be shaken. – Psalm 33:11 (NLT)

Transitioning from your own timeline to God’s timeline is brutal. It takes a lot of courage, a lot of patience, and a lot of faith. It’s something I struggle with daily. But as Frederick Douglass so elegantly stated: “Without struggle, there is no progress.”

I really want to make progress this year, and not just marginal progress. I want to make life-sustaining progress that propels my walk with Christ and everything that I do. I want my progress to fuel someone’s progress. I want my progress to be contagious and long-lasting, not just an empty resoultion.

It’s going to hurt, and I know that I can’t do it alone. But as long as there are some like-minded people walking this journey of Faith with me, I know that progress will be attainable.

Progress is my One Word for 2011. What’s yours?

 

Lord of the Breakthrough

I love Israel Houghton. Period.

This month has started off so much better than I could possibly imagine. I am drunk with happiness. Last year, I was praying that God would make 2010 better. 2009 was so epically awful that I just new 2010 would be equal in its awesomeness. For the first 9 months, I wondered if God ever heard my message.  Of course, this was all my fault for thinking that God worked by my timeline. He doesn’t! And I should know better! But some lessons take longer to learn than others. While this year won’t be the rebound that I so desperately hoped for, I am much more content with the process. There is indeed light at the end of the tunnel and I am excited. My project is starting to take shape beyond my wildest expectations, and now I have orientation at my new job next week. God is soooo incredibly faithful. I’m speechless as to how I’m feeling.

I’m so excited for the end of the year, mostly because my mindset has changed on so many things. My thoughts are a lot less selfish, and I not as worried about what I’m going through as opposed to what I can do for other people. My constant prayer of the past few days has simply been this: “God, please keep me humble.” This prayer has undoubtedly been answered as God has been slowly and painfully stripping away my selfish tendencies. Now I’m thinking about things in a radically different way and it is freeing. Stay tuned troopers, because this is just the beginning of newer and greater things.

 

Valley of Decision

Did anybody rock Christafari back in the day? Is it bad that I still do? I don’t even care. Valley of Decision is one of my favorite tracks. Ever.

The day has barely started, but I know it’s going to be a doozy. Today has already been deemed a day of exploration due to the events of yesterday. Let’s backtrack shall we?

Yesterday I had a mini-crisis of the most epic proportions. I started worrying about school because I am on Academic Probation with only one class left. Let me say that this is all my fault. I could be rocking a 4.0 if I would’ve dedicated myself to it, but there were two classes where I just stopped caring and now I’m paying the price. I need a 3.0 to get off Academic Probation. If I get an A in my next class, I’ll end up with a 2.99. I don’t know if University of Phoenix will round up or will carry out my GPA and extra digit to see if it should round up. But almost everything hangs in the balance. If it doesn’t round up, then I will be placed on Academic Disqualification, which means I’ll be forced to withdraw from school, and no more financial aid. And the stipends that I received, I’ll have to pay back. Did I mention that I don’t have a job and therefore no way to pay back $4,000? Yeah.

Although this was my fault, I questioned God for why He was allowing this to happen. Wasn’t I going through enough? Wasn’t I in enough debt? Why this? Why now? Then He started showing me motives for going back to school in the first place. I never really consulted God on whether or not I should go back to school. I asked my mom about it, and she said, in the way that only she can, “You should. I mean, you’re not doing anything else.” So the decision was made on an impulse to gain some measure of acceptance that may or may not matter. Then something else began to happen. Whenever I told people I was getting my Master’s degree, their faces would light up and they would lavish me with such praise and approval. I truly began to feed off of this. I had no idea what an idol this would become in my life.

After all, do I need a Master’s for what God is calling me to do? Not really. I just got tired of not doing anything, and got tired of waiting on God so I thought I would take things into my own hands.  And the idol of pursuing success and affirmation grew even larger.

So I started listening to the Empty Promise series by Pastor Pete Wilson and it just crushed me. I literally told him afterward that he needed to stay out of my business because it just hit way too close to home. I have been struggling for so long. I’ve been without a job since May of 2009. I keep figuring that if I get a job and get a handle on some of this debt then I’ll be a lot better. Which I will to an extent. But I’ve turned this good thing into an ultimate thing and it’s costing me so much more. My little sister got a successful job right out of college and she is on her way to doing great things both in her field and for God. And while I am happy for her, more often than not I struggle with being jealous of her. I covet what she and other people have and this jealousy has led me to a valley. Not just any valley mind you, but the Valley of Achor.

Which brings us back to this morning. I’ve been reading from the book of Joshua the past couple of days and when I came across the Valley of Achor, it literally gave me pause. Just a little backstory: Joshua and the Israelites have marched around Jericho and brought the towering wall down. With the exception of Rahab and all in her house, everything was to be destroyed. The silver, gold, brass, and iron were to be consecrated to the Lord (6:19), but everything else was accursed. So later Joshua sends men into Ai to check it out and the men say (basically) “No problem Josh. Let’s just send 2 or 3 thousand men to take care of this because there aren’t that many of them.” (7:3) So 3,000 men go up to Ai and they get chased away before they even arrive at the gate. 36 of them were even killed. Joshua cries out to God because He doesn’t understand what’s going on and why the victory wasn’t secured. God tells Joshua of Israel’s sin and decrees that because there is something accursed in the camp, the Israelites can’t defeat their enemies (7:11-13).

Eventually it is determined that Achan has the accursed thing (sidebar: it just had to be someone from the Tribe of Judah? right? psh..) and brought sin on the entire people. Achan saw things that he knew were wrong, but he coveted them and he took them.  Because of this Achan, his family, and all of his possessions are utterly destroyed at, you guessed it, the Valley of Achor.

The Valley of Achor is literally the Valley of Trouble.

God has been painfully (but rightfully) showing me how the decisions I’ve made have led me to the Valley of Achor. Someone once told me that every decision leads to a destination. That has never been made more clear than now.  Because I’ve taken all of these good things (school, the pursuit of success, affirmation) and placed them into a position only God can hold, I’ve run into a heap of trouble.  The Valley of Achor is associated with shame and defeat and I feel like I’m being crushed under the weight of these things.

But the Valley of Achor can be more than a place of shame and trouble.

And I will give her her vineyards from thence, and the valley of Achor for a door of hope:… – Hosea 2:15

What was originally created as a place of trouble and defeat, God wants to use as a door of hope. Because when we truly surrender to Christ, no defeat is permanent. When we give up those accursed things and turn to Him, we can have a new hope. But it all boils down to choice, to a decision. For so long my actions have dictated my choice to be trouble. But I thank God for His mercy and His patience. I truly see things differently and now I am actively choosing hope. There’s a lot more joy in hope than trouble.

Be of good courage, and he shall strengthen your heart, all ye that hope in the LORD. – Psalm 32:24

But I will hope continually, and will yet praise thee more and more. – Psalm 71:14

The LORD taketh pleasure in them that fear him, in those that hope in his mercy. Psalm 147:11

Does this decision lift all of the crazy things going on out of my life? Of course not. But this decision will teach me how to stand tall over them. That’s all I could hope for, right?

 

Great Adventure

So I drove to the beach today. On accident. Or at least what I thought was on accident. While us mere mortals have accidents all the time, Jesus has none. That must be pretty dope.

But let’s backtrack a bit.

I’ve been reading Plan B again, but this time as a morning devotional. (It’s 14 chapters and small group questions make for the perfect 2 week devotional.) Yesterday morning’s chapter dealt with fear and God revealed a lot of things that I was just not ready to confront. Going through all of the questions, I identified my most paralyzing fears and the limits they are imposing on my life. One thing that Pete Wilson said really stuck out to me: We don’t really have a fear problem; we have a faith problem. Faith requires so much trust, and trust is something I don’t give out very easily. On the contrary, I give trust very conditionally. Everyone starts out with the smallest measure of faith and as they meet my ever-growing requirements, they get more faith. I see that I have been doing that to God and the notion that I would have the audacity to set conditions upon the Creator of my life is quite overwhelming. I mean who am I?!  So after coming to terms with both my fears and my arrogance, I felt completely at peace. It’s almost as if I’ve finally turned the corner.

Now back to today.

After prayer and devotions, I had the urge for Starbucks. So I packed up my computer and went to the nearest Starbucks. 30 minutes, 1 venti caramel machiatto, and 1 slice of very berry coffee cake later, I was completely content. Watching the traffic, feeling the cool breeze of the early morning, I was at total peace. Then I decided to go back home and see how the day would shape up. Then the adventure happened. For those who don’t know, I have an amazing talent: getting lost. No matter how I plan or use google maps, I always make exactly one wrong turn. Usually I figure my way out, but sometimes I don’t right away. Today was one of those days. Instead of taking a left, I took a right thinking it would loop back around. Well the road never looped back. The road ends and the next thing I know, I’m on I-95 South heading toward Jacksonville Beach. Since I’ve been dying to go to the beach, I shrugged and decided to ride it out, although I wasn’t completely confident in where I was going.

After about 20 or 25 minutes, I finally arrived at the beach. I took off my chucks and my socks and padded my way toward the beach. I’m sure I looked very out of place with my knee-length skirt and black t-shirt walking down the shore with the sun beaming down. But I didn’t mind at all. I took pictures of the birds and of the waves crashing in when I started to walk closer to the ocean. Feeling the cool water wash over me was a great feeling, but I was still a little wary so I kept my distance. While others waded into the water or even swam out to catch a wave, I stayed as far away as possible.  Then I started thinking about yesterday’s devotional. Here was a small but tangible way to but my faith in action. “God is this a pop quiz?” I asked aloud. I was nervous, but I carefully took a few more steps towards the ocean and then stopped.

Once I was semi-comfortable where I was I watched the waves come in and washing over my ankles before subsiding back. Then I felt pushed to travel further out. I know God was nudging me out of my comfort zone but I didn’t like it one bit. But I obeyed and walked out a few feet more. The water came a little bit higher, but I didn’t go anywhere. Then the sand started shifting under my feet. I started to lose my balance, and I literally reached out for help. After I regained my balance, the lesson was reinforced.

There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love. – 1 John 4:18

Fear of the unknown is easily the most paralyzing fear out there. But no matter how much we don’t know, we can rest assured that God knows everything. So if we love and trust Him, then there’s no reason to fear. No matter how much the sand shifted or how much I lost my balance, I didn’t fall and I didn’t incur any harm. God just wants to see if we’re submitted to fear or faith. The only way He’s gonna know is if we decide to take that first step, or to stay on the fringe. For so long I’ve been staying on the sidelines. For me, it was better to succeed on the sidelines then to fail on the field. But now I’m ready to step out on the field and prove my worth. No matter how hard I try, I will fail. Often. But failure isn’t the end; it’s just another step towards the success. The only time failure is the end is when you give up. My steps aren’t firm, but they are determined. This great adventure has taken some crazy twists and turns, but I wouldn’t exchange it for anything.

 

Alright

I am still in starting to get out of that icky mood, but for a change of pace I decided to listen to Emily King. I love love LOVE her. Her voice and her style is just great. I need her to come out with another album already. She’s starting to get me back in my right frame of mind.

When God flips the script on you, it is usually NEVER welcome but ALWAYS necessary. As you can tell if you’ve been reading the past few posts, I’ve been down a lot more than usual lately. I’ve been so distressed lately at the situations in my life that I’ve just withdrawn from everything because no one was really listening to me anyway.

Just an aside: people who are really good listeners want to be listened to occasionally. The problem with good listeners is that they’re always listening and can either never find their time to talk, or just aren’t good talkers because they’ve never had the time to talk. I’m not sayin, I’m just sayin…

Rev. Run said on twitter once that when life knocks you to your knees, that’s an indication you need to pray. As usual, he was right on the money so I decided to really pray. And by pray I mean I sat down and just told Him everything that I was feeling. Everything I wanted to say to a confidant I said to Him, since I really have no confidant. At first it felt like He wasn’t listening so I continued doing my own thing. While doing my own thing I literally stopped myself and said out loud, “Alexis, what are you doing?!” Sometimes you need those moments to shake the cobwebs loose.

Afterwards, I did some searching. Whenever I’m really needing an answer or some clarity, I head to the Book of James. I don’t know what it is about this Book, but it always gives me a new perspective on my relationship with God. This instance was no different. After re-reading the Book and taking some uber-diligent notes (haven’t taken notes like this since undergrad. my grad professors would be upset.) I really saw what the problem was (and always has been): ME.

This whole time, I’ve felt like God has been neglecting His promises to me, when come to find out I’M the one that’s been neglecting the promises. He’s re-confirmed some of the promises just this morning. Not that he needed to, not that he had to, but in a way to show me, “Here’s what I’ve been doing; what have you been doing?” Thinking back, I can clearly see how He has been setting things in order and I’ve been too oblivious to really see it. I see the promises literally collecting dust and it’s my own fault.

So now it’s time to get things back in order and do things the right way. I’m gonna collect everything, wipe the dust away, and get back to work.