Get What You Give

Not my favorite Jonny Lang song (that title goes to “Thankful” and “Turn Around”), but it’s still a great song nonetheless. 

On my birthday, I made a conscious effort to give things and not receive. I wanted that to be a stepping stone into how I approach this year, and the rest of my life. I have always considered myself a giving person, but I just wanted to take it to the next level. So on by birthday, I did the following things:

I sponsored this adorable child from World Vision. If I did nothing else, I would feel pretty awesome about myself. Every time I look at her picture or think about her, my heart just swells and I get teary. There is no reason why I can’t give $35 a month to help her and her family work towards a better life. Something on my 30 before 30 list: visit her in Mali.

I bought this awesome Celtics green watch from Hello Somebody. Not only did I get a big awesome watch that I can coordinate with all my Celtics gear (which I am doing right now, woot!), but the majority of the proceeds are going to help a boys’ school in Rwanda. $29 is such a small price to pay to do so much good. If I could, I would buy all of my friends one.

I got my hair did! How was that giving? Firstly, I was giving my fro a much needed break lol. But seriously, my Godmom was only going to charge me $30 because it was my birthday. I didn’t find this out until the next day after I had already paid her. I gave her $200. Why? Because she’s my Godmom and I love her. And beyond that, she deserved it, not just for doing my hair, but for everything that’s she’s done for me. Actually $200 isn’t enough, but it was a start and seeing her appreciation afterwards was more than enough.

For so long, I always gave but with an ulterior motive. Either that or just a poor attitude afterwards.But now I’m trying to give for two reasons: 1) because I have the money to give and 2) because I truly want to. Not to seek out something in return, or to wait for God to open the windows of Heaven and drop a few hundred stacks on me (which, for the record, I’m not opposed to at all). But there is nothing better to give just for giving’s sake and to show people how much they mean to me. Words are nice and are indeed necessary sometimes, but from now on, I want my actions to really reinforce how I’m feeling.

This feels like the start of something wonderful.

 

Awkward Black Girl: Season Finale

So I’m black and all sorts of awkward. So when this series came along, it made my life. After much, much, MUCH anticipation the season finale arrived.  Watch below, then let’s discuss.

I’m glad that she picked White Jay, and I am interested to see how Fred will deal with being in the friend zone. Is he gonna rebound with Nina? And how is Nina and J gonna work together in season two under Jesus?

“Jesus is in the building y’all!”

Speaking of Boss Lady: I’m so  upset her “boo’s” name is Jamiroquai…and he looked so scared! I don’t blame him.

Best part of the episode: minute 12. Angry rapper White Jay is kinda hot. It makes me laugh out loud every time I watch it.

Overall, I was very pleased with the episode, and I am so glad I got to see how the actors and production continued to improve over the season. I can’t wait to see how season 2 starts!

If you want to contribute to Issa Rae and Awkward Black Girl, go to awkwardblackgirl.com

 

The End of Heartache

Early morning workout + Killswitch Engage = Success. Aside: I forgot how much running always inspired me to stop being lazy and blog. 

I’ve really struggled with whether or not I should keep this blog going. I love writing, but it’s not really my passion. And as I’ve learned lately, my words have weight. I’m not entirely comfortable. I know that life and death are in the power of the tongue, but it never became more apparent to me than last year. I breathed life into a new chapter of my life that kicks off in less than 50 days and I’m totally excited. And I’ve also spoken death (unknowingly) into a relationship that was very important to me. That last sentiment is given me a lot of pause.

It seems no matter how hard I try, and no matter what I do, I cannot help but always be prepared to have my heart broken.

After so many times of picking up the pieces of my heart after its been broken, I’ve just decided not to let it be put back together. After all, it’s hard to break something that’s already broken? I understand that conversely it’s easier to break something down into smaller pieces once it has been broken, but the emotional side of me chooses to ignore that. I’ve always had this gigantic wall around me and it’s been so easy to maintain. And when people get close to me they get excited because they think they’ve gotten over the wall, which is mostly correct. But what they don’t realize is that there’s just another roadblock ahead. My truest thoughts and feelings are locked away like Princess Toadstool and all of the Mario and Luigi’s of my life are just at different levels. Some of my friends are a lot closer than others, but all of them are a lot farther from the end level than they think.

I know that’s not healthy, and I know that’s not entirely normal. So I will work on that to some degree this year. Last year was truly a prep year for all the things I’m heading to accomplish this year. I’ve got a lot to get done in such a short period of time.

I will be 30 in 2 years, 11 months, and 19 days.  Yes, the countdown has unofficially begun. You all know my trepidation at turning 30, but that fear is slowly starting to change into excitement. So I’m on a mission to get things done over that time. I’ve done a bit of living in these 27 years (more than I’d like to admit, honestly), but I’ve also squandered a lot of time.  So while my 30 before 30 list isn’t quite complete, here are some of the things I’m determined to get done, mostly this year:

1. Travel. My granny Margie was a travelling machine, and I told her before she died that I was gonna pick up her mantle and keep it going. And so far I have, but this year  I’m taking it to a new level. I’m getting a new passport soon. I’m getting out of the States at least twice before I’m 30. And I’m going to Puerto Rico for 3 weeks this year. I know that’s not technically out of the States, but I’ll take it.

2. Get more serious about business. I mean I have a business degree, I gotta have more to show for it than a piece of paper and a ton of student loan debt. So this year, I’m starting a real estate investment business, and I couldn’t be more excited.

3. Get less serious about people. And this is how the broken heart weaves back into the narrative. I’m not one to burn bridges. Ever. In fact, I’m the person that is constantly running back and forth trying to repair the bridge while the other person is content to destroy it. That is a lot of work and I have resolved within myself not to do it anymore. If a relationship is important I will engage, I will love, I will challenge, I will empower. But if the other person (or people) don’t do the same, then I will draw back. You may call it selfish or self-preservationist, but I just call it smart. I used to change certain things about myself and personality so that people wouldn’t walk out of my life, but now I see the foolishness in that.

So take note: If you want to flee from my life or take a sabbatical, then vaya con Dios! I would say no hurt feelings, but of course they are. The difference is I’ll mend them completely different way this time around.

 

So what else should I do before I turn 30? I’ve got maybe 6 things listed. But that’s another blog for another day…speaking of which

4. Take care of this blog. Like I said, I know that my words have weight, and people for whatever reason like to read what I write. So with that in mind, I’ll make a much more dedicated effort to post on a consistent basis. There’s so much that’s always wrapped up in my mind, so it’s not a lack of topics, just a lack of effort. But I shall fix that too! Starting now =)

 

11 Days: Music of My Heart

Excuse the throwaway NSYNC/Gloria Estefan reference. I had to keep my streak of “song titles as blog titles” alive. And it seems appropriate enough. So I’ll be reflecting the 11 songs that had the most impact on me this year in no particular order.

1. Playback – Collie Buddz The romantic in me instantly connected to this song. when he says “Your love is like a soundtrack,” that just conjures so many memories for me. I want someone to be able to say that about me. I want to be able to say that about someone. But I guess I’ll just have to keep waiting…

2. Last to Speak – Allen Stone I love, Love, LOVE this song. It just really hits home for me. As many gripes as I have about the Church, politics, and society, I’m not even in a position to offer a truly constructive criticism. So next year I’ll be working on removing the plank in my eye. Fun times.

3. For Once in My Life – B.Reith & PJ Morton This track came along at a perfect time in my life. It really confirmed that I need to stop letting my fears control me and start making some major moves in my life.

4. #CougarSwag – Heath McNease & Playdough I love this song if for no other reason that I can make a terrible spinoff called #PumaSwag and thoroughly disgust Playdough. This song is hilarious and it’s just fun.

5. Beautiful Things – Gungor This song just gives me so much hope. god really does make beautiful things out of us, and I’ll never understand why. But I’ll always be appreciative.

6. Where I Belong – Switchfoot This song slays me. Plain and simple. It sums up my view on mortality and living a life of consequence.

7. Give Me – Kirk Franklin f./ Mali Music How can you not love this song? Like, seriously.

8. Song of Intercession – William McDowell “The change I wanna see must first begin in me. I surrender so Your world can be changed.” Those lyrics get me so hard every time. I really do have to be the change I want to see in the world, and I’m slowly but surely making the right steps towards that.

9. Hang With Me – Robyn I know this is an older song, but I really discovered Body Talk this year. And those lyrics provide a great disclaimer for me to guard my heart the next time I enter a relationship. “Just don’t fall recklessly headlessly in love with me, because it’s gonna be a heartbreak…”

10. Dry Bones – Gungor I think they’re albums were my favorite of the year (more on that tomorrow.) The emotion is so potent in this song, you can’t help but be held captive by it.

11. Love is Here – Royal Tailor This is a fantastic song that very recently became a favorite of mine. It’s very Michael Jackson-lite, but I enjoy the complete work of the song. Royal Tailor is this generation’s Plus One, hands down. I don’t necessarily think that’s a bad thing since I loved Plus One (especially Exodus…that album was just great), but I do see RT eventually being more successful.

Tomorrow I’ll break down my top 10 albums of the year. Until then, what songs really impacted you this year?

 

12 Days: Lesson Learned

It’s been awhile troopers! I really should’ve written something since the Thanksgiving Debacle (which indeed got worse, but that’s a story I won’t share), but I was just too drained and uninspired.

But seeing as we’re rounding the corner to my birthday, now seemed an appropriate time to begin self-reflection. So I’ll be counting down the days until my birthday with semi great anecdotes about the journey I’ve made this year. So here are the 12 things I learned this year:

1. Progress isn’t always fun, but it’s always necessary. At the beginning of the year, I signed up for the #OneWord2011 challenge, and my word was progress. It was incredible to see how this simple concept was woven through my life this year. I’ve made a lot of progress and a lot of it was terrifying, but I’m certainly wiser and stronger from it.

2. It’s okay to have boundaries. I never knew how important boundaries were until I read a book, appropriately titled “Boundaries”. More importantly, I saw the improper boundaries I had and how it was harming me.

3. Dysfunction is never okay. See the last post.

4. I’m actually kinda beautiful. And by “kinda”, I mean, “really.” I can’t even begin to explain what a big deal it is for me to acknowledge that. I’ve always struggled with self esteem and confidence, but this year both seem to be on the rebound.

5. Christians can be quite silly. I just don’t understand us sometimes. We can get all up in arms about things that really don’t matter (see: Morton, PJ), but we don’t tend to have that same righteous indignation over things that actually matter. And I realize I’m painting with a broad brushstroke which I usually hate, but it seems apropos in this case because we are all guilty of it.

6. Good music is still being made, you just have to know where to find it. see B. Reith, Heath McNease & Playdough, Allen Stone, Gungor, etc. I’ve heard so much great music that would never be played on the radio, and I’m quite okay with that. I’m done railing against the radio companies and bemoaning the death of music. The music that’s popular now is because a ton of people like it. If they wanna like what I think is wack music, more power to them. I’ll stick to what I like and keep discovering more.

7. Black really doesn’t crack, and for that I praise God. I’ve had more people ask me if I was in high school this year than when I was actually in high school. It makes my heart happy. If I still get questions like that once I hit 35 I shall dougie every time.

8. Speaking of dougies, there really is nothing new under the sun. Although that declaration from Solomon makes me wonder if someone did the Cat Daddy in his day. I don’t doubt it at all. In 2012 I’m gonna “create” some dances and see if they catch on. When something good happens to you next year and you break out the Double Dutch, you’re welcome lol

9. It’s good to have ambitious goals. Ambitious goals force you to stretch in unimaginable ways. This year, I made a goal to read 100 books this year. I’m as voracious a read as they come but 100 books seemed quite impossible. But I really tried this year. As of today I’m at 80, and I’m pretty sure I’m not gonna crank out 20 books in 12 days. Maybe 3? But had I not set that goal, I don’t think I even would’ve read 20 books this year. I will continue to set ambitious goals and push myself.

10. Your inner circle says so much about you. I can’t tell you how much I’ve had that thought beaten into me this year, but it is absolutely true. I look at the inner circle I had just 5 years ago, and it becomes clear as day why I was such an idiot. Now I’m in a much stronger place and my inner circle is to thank.

11. On a related note, there’s nothing wrong with having an inner circle. I really like keeping people at a distance. This is good because it keeps people from harming you. The bad thing is, it keeps people from helping you too. I’ve really learned to let my guard down and let some people in. And I’ve maintained a way to keep some people out.

12. If you don’t start none, there won’t be none. I’ve learned that this weekend after listening to the Hip Hop Prez give the commencement speech this weekend at TSU. I’ve had so many great ideas that I let go to waste through fear and insecurity, and because of that I have nothing to show for my life. So now I am more determined to take leaps of faith. The worst is that I fail, and learn something right? Best case scenario is that I can actually succeed. Those sound like good terms to me now.

Great lessons I’ve learned this year, and I’m ready to learn more next year. What have you learned this year?

 

Thankful

Despite the title being very apropos for the season, and even though I LOVE the track with Jonny Lang and Michael McDonald, this won’t be quite the happy message.

As much as I’ve traveled, I’ve learned to be ready for anything and to realize that every trip serves some purpose other than me getting out of Tennessee. The current leg of this trip has done as much to reveal myself to me as it has done to reveal others to me. And for that I’m truly thankful because I can see the progress I’ve made over the past year…and still see how jacked up I am. I still need a lot of work done, but I’m glad that Jesus is as committed to the process as I am, if not more so.

But what if someone isn’t committed to the process? How does that work then? I’m currently visiting family in Arizona and seeing their relationship has brought that question to my mind. The relationship is just so dysfunctional that it affects everything around them. Me in particular. While this has not been my worst trip ever, it is definitely in the top two. It’s been so terrible that I’m changing my flight so I can go to Denver four days earlier. There have been some fun spots, but mostly it’s just anger, tension, and strongholds being revealed. We prayed as a family a few days ago and things seemed better for maybe a day. And then the other day, I actually felt tormented! I felt so burdened and hurt and I could truly sense the spiritual stronghold that seemingly has free reign. Last night at church, I thought of the evil spirit that came back to a clean house and left to get some homeboys and come back and start wildin out. That’s how it’s been feeling for the past few days, and it boggles my mind that I’m the only one who feels it. But then again, when you have the attitude that changes the culture and creates the environment of your home, you probably won’t notice it because it feels normal.

Dysfunction is NEVER normal.

That isn’t to say that there won’t be periods of dysfunction, but dysfunction should never feel comfortable setting up shop where you live.

So what do you do? I’ve prayed, I’ve fasted, I’ve given counsel. And I feel like it’s all for naught. As a single person, I am in NO WAY qualified to give marital counsel. I can give common sense counsel, but that’s about it. Even then, what good is offering advice if the person doesn’t heed it? A lyric that’s been playing over and over in my mind is “Truth is deadly when it’s not applied.”

I can only do so much, and that lesson has hit home. After awhile, I can only go back and focus on me. So that’s why I’m leaving early. The Alexis of last year would tell herself to stick it out, and just stay. But thankfully the Alexis of this year has established boundaries of what behavior is and isn’t acceptable, and how much of it she shall tolerate. (Aside, talking in 3rd person is kinda cool, no matter how pretentious it sounds. But I digress…) But seriously, there was a certain time this year where I just made up my mind and established boundaries for how much I was going to tolerate, especially when it came to dysfunction, drama, and overall craziness. Once I made that my prayer and actually started enforcing those boundaries, people suddenly became displaced or even removed from my life. Don’t think that I believe in burning bridges, because I really don’t, but I’m not gonna use it as much if it’s not in my best interests.

I’ve made a lot of progress with that in my life. This time has also made me oh so glad that I’m single. If anything, this all has reinforced how I should be content in my singleness and keep my mind on Kingdom business. So I will make the most of things today, tomorrow, and Friday morning. And then the second half of my vacation will commence, and for that I am truly thankful.

 

[Album Review] Playdough & Heath McNease – Wed, White, & Wu

Click here to download the mixtape for FREE!

It’s finally here! I got an advance copy of it yesterday and I had to sit on it for awhile and talk about it to a friend. I came away with a lot of thoughts:

First: I hipped my friend to Playdough & Heath literally like last week. I made a mixtape for her with a lot of different tracks that were mostly upbeat. So when she heard this she wasn’t as prepared for it. Mostly because she doesn’t usually listen to Wu Tang Clan or any gritty hip hop like that. But the mixtape served to provide several juxtapositions. Whenever I hip her to music, it’s either purely Christian/Gospel or purely secular. To have something that mixes the two was interesting to her. And it provided great discussion that shall lead me to the following soapbox:

You can’t really win for losing being a Christian. It’s as if when you’re a Christian you fall into one of these categories: completely isolated from the world and judgmental or so hypocritical that no one really knows you’re a Christian except for when you say it. I already know that I can’t share this mixtape with some of my friends because they’re going to be like “Wu Tang? That’s not holy.” or “That can’t edify your spirit” or whatever holy speak we like to use when sounding super spiritual. While I appreciate that view and certainly don’t knock it, it feels like we as super deep Christians can miss the point, or worse yet miss the opportunity to really learn something. I truly subscribe to the concept that you can’t just watch/listen to/participate in just anything. We can’t try to get so close to the world that we lose our Christian identity, but at the same time we can’t be so isolated that we become out of touch. It is ENTIRELY possible to be Christian and NOT BE A LAME!! You can speak about love and faith and hope, and still be cool. You can talk about video games and relationships, and other unimportant things and still have a heart for Christ. How do you find that balance? That’s entirely subjective, but it can be found.

Now with that being said, there really is something for everyone in this mixtape. The rhymes are as deft and discerning as ever. You can really sense how hard everyone worked on this mixtape. Every time you listen, you’ll get a different understanding of a lyric, or you’ll just hear something so outlandish that you can’t help but laugh out loud. While this mixtape won’t be for everyone, it is still pretty stellar. I couldn’t recommend this mixtape enough. So click on the link, download it, and donate. We need to support good music whenever we can so do it!

Throwaway note: I never realized what a wrestling fan Heath McNease was until this mixtape. I heard at least 2 Lex Luger mentions and a shout out to Randy Orton. As a big wrestling fan, that just made my heart happy.

Rating: 4.4/5

Tracks to Repeat: “#CougarSwag”, “C.R.E.A.M.”, “Sweet Love”, “Gravel Spit”, “27 Club”

Tracks to Skip: “You Know My Steez”, “Half Ghetto”

 

[Album Review] B. Reith – How the Story Ends

I can’t tell you how excited I was to receive this album in the mail yesterday. The immediate thing I noticed when I started listening was that something was indeed different. It still has the same polish and crafty wordplay, but there was a new sense of urgency and hunger to it. With his last full length album, there was a certain sense of accomplishment to it, and I’m sure being signed to Gotee Records was the reason. But leaving the label and having a career in limbo forced B. Reith to stretch and be uncomfortable and wrestle with God for a period of time. That struggle is interwoven into the album and we’re all the better for it.

But how are the actual tracks? I’m pleased to say fantastic! The guest spots with Lecrae, Lisa Gungor, PJ Morton, and Dave Barnes are all well placed. It’s refreshing to see guest spots actually enhance and not draw attention away from an album. He continues to bounce back and forth between many genres and many topics that there’s something for everyone, maybe even Becky.

Becky is a CCM radio term for their target audience: a white woman in her 40s with kids who she probably shuttles to soccer practice often. Hearing this demographic described highlights the reasons why all urban Christian music continually struggles to be mainstream even in the Christian community. This is primarily why I don’t listen to Christian radio, and why should I when the only “urban” song they play is Mary Mary’s “Shackles”. Thanks but no thanks. Think that fires some shots? B. Reith fires a lot more and rightfully so. I tweeted him last night and said we should start an #ImNotBecky movement, and I’m deadly serious. With CCM radio focusing exclusively on “Becky” they are standing it the way of so many artists having an impact on millions of people. They are doing all of us a disservice and something needs to be done.

This is supposed to be album review, not a chance for me to stand on a soapbox right?

I feel so personally attached to this album because it comes at a perfect time in my life. I’ve been struggling with a big decision for months now, and I’ve finally decided to step out in faith and trust God. While I’ve felt a tremendous release about the decision and I am now excited about it, this album came and it serves as a confirmation that I’m doing the right thing. Being able to watch B. Reith’s semi-public struggles with his career and seeing how God used all of this struggle and sacrifice to craft something beautiful and heartfelt is inspiring. It fuels me to keep working at what’s important. I’m positive that God will use my struggles and sacrifice to craft something beautiful and heartfelt too. He will do that for all of us! To paraphrase a song, everything may be wrong right now, but one day everything will be right.

Rating: 5/5
Tracks to Repeat “2 Steps Forward”, “Made for More”, “For Once in My Life”, “I’ll Get By”
Tracks to Skip: none!

 

Barbarella

Grab a scale and guess the weight of all the pain I’ve given with my name… It seems I’ve used this lyric and song title for a post before. That lyric just seems too perfect sometimes. And if anyone knew how to sing about pain, it would be Scott Weiland.

Something I’ve truly been relearning these past couple of weeks is that anger makes you weak. Not only that, but it hinders you from being fruitful. Needless to say, I’ve been feeling pretty feeble and unproductive lately. This is mainly due to the fact that I’m an extremely emotional being who is incapable of expressing emotion properly.  Anger can be defined as an emotional or behavioral reaction of displeasure to an unmet expectation. These seems entirely apropos as my life is seemingly a series of unmet expectations. It certainly makes me wonder why I even have expectations to start. I mean no expectations, nothing to be unmet or disserviced, nothing to be upset about, right? But alas, things aren’t that simple. So why am I having this fantastic bout of anger right now? What expectation of mine so spectacularly failed that I’m riled beyond belief?

As usual with such things, it all points to a failed relationship.

Come Monday, October 31st, it will have been 3 years since my split from a relationship that I had hopes for, yet silently knew it was doomed to end. I didn’t think about the anniversary at all last year, so I am unsure why it won’t leave my mind this year. I mean how do I mark that passage of time? Is it a time of celebration, or is it a time of mourning? It’s a tad bit more mourning than celebrating I think. I’m not mourning the relationship; on the contrary, with the benefit of hindsight I am quite glad it’s over. However, I am mourning the expectations I had for that relationship, and the expectations it forces me to have for all future ones. Everyone has that one relationship that alters the way they view and engage all future relationships; well this is that one.  The biggest expectation I had post-relationship was that I was going to truly make something of my life and be dependent upon myself. After all, the best revenge is living well, right? (I was actually going to get that tattooed on my shoulder one day, and then I realized that it would not serve as a good mantra but instead be a permanent tribute to him which is not at all what I wanted. So luckily common sense prevailed.)

But have I lived well? I went from living on my own and working a decent job to losing it all and being forced to move back home. Two years later, I have nothing really to show for it but a lot of potential that seemingly won’t be tapped here in Tennessee. I mean I’ve lived well enough. Lord knows I can’t complain because there are people who have it so much worse. But have I lived well enough for “revenge” to to be served? And why does that small part of me still want revenge three years later? It’s so trite and it’s so petty. The expectation I have placed for myself seems to be too far away.

The only thing worse than unmet expectations from others is unmet expectations from self.

So how do I adjust? Do I lower my expectations, or do I place myself in a better situation to meet those expectations? It seems as if I’m to follow the latter, then a change in scenery (and paradigm) is in order. But I’m haunted by the thought that those unmet expectations will continue to follow me no matter how often I change scenery. I don’t know what else I can do but to keep moving along and hope to meet some expectations. Maybe once I do that small need for revenge won’t be an issue anymore.

 

Someone’s Somebody

I truly, madly, deeply love Dave Barnes. If I ever stumbled upon a nice looking guy who sang like him, I may or may not marry him on the spot…

…which seems a fitting enough segue since I’m struggling with the relationship bug yet again. I can’t pinpoint what has prompted this time, but I’m trying my hardest to examine it differently. A few days ago, my friend posted this amazing nugget of truth on how instead of singles being busy pursuing “the one”, they should become busy with becoming “the one”. I wholeheartedly endorse that statement, but after reading that I was like, “Well God, I don’t think I’m ever getting married.”

I don’t want that to become a self-fulfilling prophecy, but I do worry.

I just can’t help feeling like I’m losing time and there’s so much I’m missing out on. By all means, I don’t need a relationship to define me…I had that for 2 years and the scars are still as defiant as ever, even if they carry no more hurt. But I really do desire a relationship that will enhance me. That’s a fair thing to ask for right?

A thought that makes me giggle is if God is doing this much work on me, how much work is he doing on my husband, wherever he is? And what a pair we’re going to make! So I’ll let that thought tide me over to soothe my impatience, if ever so slightly. As such, I’ll keep looking forward to being someone’s somebody and endure the process.